Christmas at the Mcguire's

This has been one of my favorite Christmases. Mostly because there wasn't a lot of running around. We saw (for a short moment) the Skafte side - but have spent most of the time - just being with the McGuire side. Next year it'll be the Skafte side - I feel such peace with not having a run around... so nice to just be one place or the other.

I do miss seeing the Skaftes, just like next year I'll miss the McGuires.

I would have to say one of the best things, next to being with David for this holiday season, was that Sean came with us. It was a surprise, and we had to squeeze him in to the car - which is a whole other story. He;s back, and he's more like himself. So I guess if he had to go through what he did to realsize that He's better off being Himself, and growing into himself... then I guess that's what he had to go through - But he's Sean and it was so good to see him, be around him again. He wasn't snide, huffy, and mean... Sigh. I Love him.

Merry Christmas!

Fasting (in my case... slowing.... ahah)

Fasting has got to be one of the easiest things to understand (the basics) and one of the Hardest to actually do... Fasting is simply giving up something... usually food, sometimes food and water. You can have a Daniel Fast, where you give up certain foods... meats being the most common. I've done fasts before - but I think I have gotten out of the habit, out of the frame of mind.

I find that there are a lot of motivations... but I'm not sure which one I'm running from. I find it so hard to get into the right place, to find the right reason, and of course actually get my butt off the couch and actually do something about it. I can't get myself to do something I know I should be doing. I don't feel alone in this either (since I think most people don't do things they know they should) (but this is not that post and will be another blog moment in the future).

I think I'd like to get closer to God... get more in depth with my relationship.. I think I felt that I was in a great place in my Walk. I was feeling... and thinking... and doing... out of Love for my Lord, but then I got a little complacent. I didn't think I had to work at it. I won't say that I thought I was 'perfected' but life was going well.

Then.. out of nowhere - bam - I'm not reading the bible, my prayer life sorta got to be those 5 line quips before bed or a meal... and I didn't notice... But then, I woke up one morning and missed the intimacy with God. I missed the connection. For those who don't have a personal relationship with Jesus - I'm not sure if you can get that last part... but let me tell you, it was not so great, and I missed it like I would miss breathing. So I got back to the things that help build that intimacy... But I wanted more.

So in the last few weeks I've gotten back in the Word, back to the basics of my walking and talking... but I crave more... more intimacy, to be reminded of my own humanity, my insufficiency. I want to see how God is all sufficient. I wanted to rely on God to provide. for him to speak clearer, (really I need to listen better, He's usually pretty clear {aha}) I guess I feel like I need to be a little more like Christ. I believe that Fasting can help with that. I want to humble myself.. I think that's in the bible somewhere... Ps 35:15.

There are more than a few examples of fasting in the bible, there are some great books about fasting, both as a spiritual discipline and as weight management tool. So there is my very problem. I don't want this to be about the physical benefits - and I think it could change into that.

I don't want to pretend. I know that I'm OK with the physical side effects of weight loss, but I don't want that to become my only motivation for attempting this discipline again. I want the spiritual to be my priority - and yet I'm scared I'll flip flop and it won't be about God and my relationship with him.

So do I start and just hope I stay focused? I was doing some research and found a few hints, and hopefully I'll be able to start a regular practice of Fasting...

Keeping up with my weight...

So I know that I was supposed to update on Tuesday - but I forgot to update - for the last couple of weeks.

Well it's not going so well. turns out that 400 Cal isn't a whole lot - and instead of being consistent throughout the day... so instead I'll have too many, then the next day skip a meal... WHICH is bad... not consistent at all...

So I'll try harder this week, but I think I'll just try harder at eating better. The worst is that it's Christmas, and I'm making cookies and decorating cookies, and as we all know, a Christmas tradition is the baker gets to eat all the mis-shapen or badly decorated cookies. Also the baker gets to consume any left over cookie dough, broken bits, and the left over icing... ahem, ahem.

I was also thinking that maybe I'll try fasting - not as a weight management strategy but as a spiritual discipline... I'm just worried that it will throw off my eating habits - and I'll just gorge the next day - to the day before trying to 'compensate'... I'll blog about the fasting thing another day...

Blessings

I can't even begin to explain how blessed David and I are... We are so thankful that God is proving himself as our Provider everyday. There hasn't been a day this week where God hasn't made himself known to us - in practical way...

We have been blessed - I'm so thankful... sigh....

God is Love, God is Good

It's true, if you believe, you have to believe it all - there isn't a grey area when it comes to the Lord.... He is who He says He is - you choose to believe it or not...

After listening to Priscilla Shirer in our bible study, I found this - it's something she paraphrased, and I found on the web... Here is the Character of God, and how each book of the Bible shows us more of God's personality / Character... This is Who He says He is...

In the Old Testament:
In Genesis, He is the Creator God.
In Exodus, He is the Redeemer.
In Leviticus, He is your Sanctification.
In Numbers, He is your Guide.
In Deuteronomy, He is your Teacher.
In Joshua, He is the Mighty Conqueror.
In Judges, He gives Victory over enemies.
In Ruth, He is your Kinsman, your Lover, your Redeemer.
In 1 Samuel, He is the Root of Jesse;
In 2 Samuel, He is the Son of David.
In 1 Kings and 2 Kings, He is King of Kings and Lord of Lords.
In 1st and 2nd Chronicles, He is your Intercessor and High Priest.
In Ezra, He is your Temple, your House of Worship.
In Nehemiah, He is your Mighty Wall, protecting you from your enemies.
In Esther, He is your Deliverer, stands in the gap to deliver you from your enemies.
In Job, He is the Arbitrator who not only understands your struggles, but has the power to do
something about them.
In Psalms, He is your Song and your Reason to sing.
In Proverbs, He is your Wisdom, helping you make sense of life and live it successfully.
In Ecclesiastes, He is your Purpose, delivering you from vanity.
In the Song of Solomon, He is your Lover, your Rose of Sharon.
In Isaiah, He is the Mighty Counsellor, the Prince of Peace, the Everlasting Father, and more.
In short, He's everything you need.
In Jeremiah, He is your Balm of Gilead, the soothing salve for your sin-sick soul.
In Lamentations, He is the Ever-Faithful One upon whom you can depend.
In Ezekiel, He is your Wheel in the middle of a wheel – the One who assures that dry, dead
bones will come alive again.
In Daniel, He is the Ancient of Days, the Everlasting God who never runs out of time.
In Hosea, He is your Faithful Lover, always beckoning you to come back – even when you have
abandoned Him.
In Joel, He is your Refuge, keeping you safe in times of trouble.
In Amos, He is the Husbandman, the one you can depend on to stay by your side.
In Obadiah, He is the Lord of the Kingdom.
In Jonah, He is your Salvation, bringing you back within His will.
In Micah, He is Judge of the Nation.
In Nahum, He is the Jealous God.
In Habakkuk, He is the Holy One.
In Zephaniah, He is the Witness.
In Haggai, He is the Overthrower of the enemies.
In Zechariah, He is Lord of Hosts.
In Malachi, He is the Messenger God.
In the New Testament:
In Matthew, He is the King of the Jews.
In Mark, He is the Servant.
In Luke, He is the Son of Man, feeling what you feel.
In John, He is the Son of God.
In Acts, He is the Saviour of the world.
In Romans, He is the Righteousness of God.
In 1 Corinthians, He is the Rock that followed Israel.
In 2 Corinthians, He is the Triumphant One, giving victory.
In Galatians, He is your Liberty; He sets you free.
In Ephesians, He is Head of the Church.
In Philippians, He is your Joy.
In Colossians, He is your Completeness.
In 1 Thessalonians, He is your Hope.
In 2 Thessalonians, He is your Patience and Discipline.
In 1 Timothy, He is your Faith.
In 2 Timothy, He is your Stability.
In Titus, He is the Truth.
In Philemon, He is your Benefactor.
In Hebrews, He is your Perfection.
In James, He is the Power behind faith.
In 1 Peter, He is your Example.
In 2 Peter, He is your Purity.
In 1 John, He is your Life.
In 2 John, He is your Pattern.
In 3 John, He is your Motivation.
In Jude, He is the Foundation of your faith.
In the Revelation, he is your Coming King.

Christ in Christmas

I find it really sad that people are offended at the saying of Merry Christmas, that we can't say it anymore - to be politically correct I have to say Happy Holidays. You wouldn't want to wish an atheist or a Jewish person a merry Christmas... that would be bad... Allow me to take this Idea and Run with it...


When we greet people - we shouldn't say Hi - that's far to Anglo of us, we shouldn't even Wave. I mean what if we are talking to someone who's first language isn't English. They speak English, but it's not they're native tongue; It would be offensive to speak to them in a manor that is not theirs - so instead we speak in a manor that isn't ours... it would convey nothing about ourselves... no individuality...

Of Course - no waving hello - in some countries wave with your hand open, and fingers spread is announcing that you could have many fathers - (not so great for your mom... huh?)... so if we're not going to stop all that - - then let's just let people be themselves - - it's called cultural awareness....

So we can't greet people with our personal holiday greeting - It's a little sad huh. I mean I'm saying Merry Christmas, because I want to someone to have a merry Christmas...

forget the greetings... what about just taking the religiousness out of the Holiday itself... Get rid of Jesus - cause he's so one sided... and you can still have Christmas without him....

UMM NO.

maybe I just see it differently - I know that Christmas is the celebration of Jesus' humanity... so if we take that away we will just have a day to get presents and chocolates - I think our birthdays and Easter (ahem) would cover that... ( I hope you got my ahem... sigh)

We don't tell the Jewish community to forget the Temple and Festival of Lights, and we don't say to the African -to stop celebrating Africa... why do the Christians have to be hit so hard...

Sigh persecution sucks -and I pray it leads to character development not slacker faith...

S'Mores!!

I was hungry, for something sweet, I mean really sweet.. and chocolaty...
So I made smores.
In my living room.
I got everything ready and I even got a little candle out and roasted the marshmallows.

Does that make me a slave to my cravings? am I just a woman, or is this a little extreme?

confused...

So I 'm not going to be taking the Job - I haven't felt right about it - and then when I finally decided I wouldn't be doing it... peace.

I know it's a great job for so many reasons... Location, it's across the street; Ease of work, It's simple data entry, Great pay - it's a lot more than minimum wage... but, and there always seems to be a but...

I don't think it'll be good for me, I feel it would add to the stress, and no one wanted Shannon's hair t fall out again... so maybe I won't take it.

maybe I'll try to find a job with a bit fewer hours, and less responsibility.

My Knee... not a flashback to ABU...

well today was a CRAPPY crappy day.

last night int he dark I smoked my knee on a little end table in our spare room - and it hurt like a bad word. Well I sucked it up -hobbled to bed and tried to rest.

see the thing is I don't sleep with my legs straight so every time I went to curl up all cozy I woke up in pain crying. this is not good , and in no way helps one get a good night's rest. I awoke and still could not bend the leg... so I went to the hospital this afternoon. Four hours later I've got Tendon damage and Tissue Damage.

this is good news - I'm a cry baby and I didn't brake anything - the flip side of the coin - is that it is more painful to heal from - so Driving hurts and stairs hurt (more than usual).

so tonight I'm not in a mood to do anything... sorry the post isn't riveting....

Belly Dancing

I Love it...

I love how I feel pretty... only not tonight - I was not in the mood to dance, and my body didn't want to cooperate with my brain - so tonight was a night of clumsy movement...

I still love it. it's a great work out - I feel like I'm actually good at something. I have a few talents, but this one I really like... accounting I was great at - but I don't like it so much.

Next week we'll try a new Date and Time - I think I'll like that.

Today is a day to begin...

So I feel like crap.

I know, eloquent or what?

but it's true - I feel fat, dumb and lazy... and I'm in a lot of pain these days. I'm not sure if it's cause of the weather change or just how sore a human can be, or how much pain you can be in before you need / seek medical help.

So I'm going to trying something.... it's never been done, I hope that I can start a revolution... I'm going to watch what I eat and try to work out more (and by more I mean work out any amount now, because even a little is more than never).

I'm tempted to try this 'system'. I say system like 'system' because it's really just calorie counting and portion control... nothing new... 400 Fix... you have 4 'meals' a day that are no more than 400 Calories. This sounded easy --- but in fact, it is not.

Why is that not easy, you ask. Why you say? Well cause I like things like Mars bars - which for your information are more than 200 calories... this means if I want a Chocolate bar that's great but I'd have to have it with grapefruit and celery and call it a meal... I don't think I can wrap my head around that...

But I'm going to try, I'm going to try to cut the calories...

Normally you could just, you know, work out more - but that brings me back to the sore and pain part... I know that losing weight would be good for me and my body in a whole lot of ways, but until I knock off a few pounds, my knees won't take a liking to Walking... and I like my knees, and would like to keep them till I'm at least 60... sigh....

So here goes... I think I'll try to update weekly - on how well I'm doing - or more likely - not doing... but I'll try. I'll try to remember to post, say, Tuesdays about how well this goes... and I'll be honest - which I'm good at - so this is it...

Today - I weigh in at 222 pounds... now before you think - what a heffer - please remember I'm 6 feet tall. and of large bone structure... I'm not trying to sugar coat it - I've got a little chub all over - and as the kindergarten children I taught used to say when giving a hug, "I like your tummy pillow Mrs Skafte.... "

I've eaten today - 2 very fattening squares - I made myself - and they have a TON of calories - but I don't' know how much actually... and a large bowl of whole wheat spaghetti... and water to drink...

Ok, alright all ready... and 1 heaping spoonful of Betty Crocker Icing... but I couldn't help it...

Yes Icing.

Here's hoping tomorrow will be more successful!

The Blind Side

Fun, Cute, Family Friendly.
Watch It!!

Words I needed to be reminded of...

Psalm 31
1 In you, O LORD, I have taken refuge; let me never be put to shame; deliver me in your righteousness. 2 Turn your ear to me, come quickly to my rescue; be my rock of refuge, a strong fortress to save me. 3 Since you are my rock and my fortress; for the sake of your name lead and guide me. 4 Free me from the trap that is set for me, for you are my refuge. 5 Into your hands I commit my spirit; redeem me, O LORD, the God of truth. 6 I hate those who cling to worthless idols; I trust in the LORD. 7 I will be glad and rejoice in your love, for you saw my affliction and knew the anguish of my soul. 8 You have not handed me over to the enemy but have set my feet in a spacious place. 9 Be merciful to me, O LORD, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and my body with grief. 10 My life is consumed by anguish and my years by groaning; my strength fails because of my affliction, and my bones grow weak. 11 Because of all my enemies, I am the utter contempt of my neighbors; I am a dread to my friends—those who see me on the street flee from me. 12 I am forgotten by them as though I were dead; I have become like broken pottery. 13 For I hear the slander of many; there is terror on every side; they conspire against me and plot to take my life. 14 But I trust in you, O LORD; I say, "You are my God." 15 My times are in your hands; deliver me from my enemies and from those who pursue me. 16 Let your face shine on your servant; save me in your unfailing love. 17 Let me not be put to shame, O LORD, for I have cried out to you; but let the wicked be put to shame and lie silent in the grave. 18 Let their lying lips be silenced, for with pride and contempt they speak arrogantly against the righteous. 19 How great is your goodness, which you have stored up for those who fear you, which you bestow in the sight of men on those who take refuge in you. 20 In the shelter of your presence you hide them from the intrigues of men; in your dwelling you keep them safe from accusing tongues. 21 Praise be to the LORD, for he showed his wonderful love to me when I was in a besieged city. 22 In my alarm I said, "I am cut off from your sight!" Yet you heard my cry for mercy when I called to you for help. 23 Love the LORD, all his saints! The LORD preserves the faithful, but the proud he pays back in full. 24 Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the LORD.


See here's the thing... I feel like most of the chapter is focused at me - that I'm the one who is my own enemy, that I am the one with lying lips... I'm the one in need of refuge and safety, but from myself....

I am trying to be the God in my life, and I'm failing at it.

I want to take this pain this grief and cast it off, and out of my heart, but I'm hurting... and my dear friend Shauna reminded me tonight..."your hurts, they hurt Him too. But He's not forgotten one prayer you've prayed or one tear you've cried..."

He's bigger then my grieving, bigger than the loss I'm feeling, bigger than the brokenness.. and what' great is that even though I'm in a valley - He's still God. He still loves me -and even though I can't find words to talk to other people about this I can talk to him...

Tomorrow... it's a new moon...

So, I'm here and I'm almost 30... but I can't wait for New Moon - I like the books, and I liked the Twilight... so it's nice to have a piece of fiction I can just "Veg out" too...

I know it's got some issues, which I won't get into right now... and I know it's meant for preteens, and I understand that some people don't like the Vamp thing - but to me fiction is fiction.....

Anyways...

I'm just saying I can't wait to spend the day with the Girls... and then spend the night with some other girls... it's going to be a Silly wonderful day...

The Last Month.. the First Month

This is the last month. We are officially on our last month of medically assisted fertility... We've been trying for two years (give or take) with Serophene. And as Dr Clague put it, "There isn't anything more he can do for us". So this is it - for now, this is where we put down the pills and relax. I hope. I'm excited for relaxing.

The last month for worry, for daily taking of temperatures, and counting days. The last month for hoping and waiting and being disappointed. There is so much effort in doing everything 'just' right... following all the doctors orders, and keeping charts.... all the while trying to relax, to stay calm... sigh...

The last month to try to explain why I'm trying so hard, and how I feel I have to do everything in my power to do what I think God wants for us... I know this sounds weird (and a bit like God helps those who help themselves), but really I feel like I should be doing what I can... not just sitting around and expecting this to happen. There is so much that I have invested, my time, body, heart... and this is it, I have fulfilled my end of the Deal. I can let go and let God... (not that I was not letting Him in the first place).

The first month where I can take a step back, I can take a moment and breathe, become just a woman, a wife, a girl at heart... not an incubator, not a baby factory, and not something broken... huh? Broken, maybe I'm more excited to 'stop' trying because I can't be broken if we're not trying... I can't be at fault if there isn't something to be at fault about. hmm deeper than I thought this would be. I'm glad I can't not be pregnant, I'm glad its not on my shoulders anymore, it's not my mistakes, or problems, of genetics.... it's done and I can just breath, take a step back and Just Breathe.

The first month I can go back to how it was when I was first married, there would be the same chance of babies then, and now... the same diagnosis, the same out look, the same vision, and the same beliefs. Just less stress.

The first month to be free from expectations, from the same old questions, the first month of a crisp fresh breeze... a season of rest, on all parts... for reconnecting to my God, my husband, Myself.

with nothing to think about

Today I woke up a little hazy, and wanted to spend my day on the little things I want to get finished - it's after lunch - and I haven't gotten to any of the things on my To-Do list... sigh...

today is a day to reflect....

Today is a day to reflect while I'm super busy.

I figure that even though I'm going to be running around, I can still take a moment here and there to reflect on God's awesome power, his interest in my life... I'm not saying that solitude, and silence aren't GREAT for reflection, but as I work on the praying consistently, I can work on the reflecting constantly.

I was sick the last couple of days -and even though I didn't have anywhere to go, or the energy to get there - I didn't really think about anything important. Isn't that sad?

I've had a lot cross my mind - but I've pushed it out... now it's time to get back to connecting with God, through prayer and reflection.

It's been a while, but that's how I roll.

I sat down to write something - and update on my life, a continuance on the saga that is 'baby', the latest news (or lack) in job prospects, what I've just heard at Convention's assembly (Oasis)...

however I've just run into writes block.

We've been camping, working on the house, re-organizing life, working at church, looking for time to paint... and yet I don't think I could write about it - maybe I'm overwhelmed.. there have been a lot of little things going on, but not really anything super big.

I'm posting my camping and oasis pictures on my facebook site, but not here - it takes too long.... so I guess I'll be back, at a future time, to post about life.

Meetings and Meetings

I actually Love meetings.

I love when a group of people can come together, discuss, and collaborate towards a common goal, outcome or direction. I guess I like the meetings that actually accomplish something...

I DIS-like the meetings that go on for no reason, or people ask the same question, or worse answer a question stating the same thing that someone else said... Really if when Person A, B and Person C said it, and it didn't lead to a conclusion, why would you think it would help if you said it again?

also I'm not a big fan of the "after Meeting" meetings that happen - as we stand around getting ready to leave and people finally way what they should have said in the meeting, or worse say the opposite... really people, be honest and up front - it's how things get done.

ALL that said, I truly enjoy being part of a meeting.

What was that supposed to mean?

As I meet people, talk with friends, and see relatives it's very interesting that at some point in the conversation, we talk about babies... this is OK with me, I've been open about everything from trying times, to the tubal pregnancy. It troubles me though, when, with out a doubt, someone, somewhere will say to me, gee... maybe you should put More Faith in God.

In that statement there are so many things that I have a problem with...

More...
Did at some point God put a little meter on my back that reads out how much faith I have. Is there a little thermometer that reads my belief? my hopes in the things I can not see? Because the last time I checked only I and God knew how much faith I had... in fact at times when I feel lacking I'm sure only God knows how much faith I have.
What kind of things happen in life that are measuring sticks, what type of life do I live that I've done somethings that let people know I am faithful, but haven't done, accomplished, That is blocking or achieved to give the impression that I'm not faithful enough??
It has even been suggested that David and I had some sin we didn't confess, some evil in our lives that we were holding on to - that is blocking the amount of faith we have. I do understand this point of view, but if you truly knew me you'd know that at the beinging of our relationship we, David and I, had a time of pryare confession and growth - Since I've been dealing with this situation longer - I'm pretty sure I covered that aspect of my spiritual life.... But thanks for the Godly concern... ...ahem

Faith in...
this is the one that I have a lot of trouble with.. there are many facets to this, do they mean my faith is in the wrong place? that I'm not seeking God... I can see where someone would say that - David and I decided to seek medical help. Most of the relatives who know seem to think that is a way of slapping God in the face - like he's not enough.. only it's more than that. God gave us minds, and some of his creation - like Doctors - use their minds, and gifts and talents to help the physical needs of others.. I have a physical problem, and so I seek those God has gifted... I would like to remind those people that No matter how much we 'interfere' with the biological processes of reproduction - God is the only one who can allow, ensure, and even orchestrate Life... David and I believe that we are being faithful to the will of God, as he has shown us. We are doing what we can.. rather than sitting back and just saying ok God Bless us... do it now... Really with the logic above - David and I should be able to just take sex out of the equation - and God could/would/ Should bless us with a child of our own... I don't buy it.
What else do we have in God, I mean what else can we do but believe and because we believe we do... we help... we love... and My faith is not in the medical community, it's not even in my own body, desire, or dreams... I know that God will provide me a family, I believe that He will Remember his maidservant, and that David and I are placing our Faith in Him... wholly, and completely.

God...
Maybe I'm off on my personal theology, but MY God's faithfulness isn't dependent on my faithfulness. Just like his love, and patience, kindness etc. He is who He is... If He provides a child, we will praise him, and continue to be faithful, and if not we will still praise him and be faithful.

David and I had a child, who knew only love. From the moment we knew 'he' existed we loved, and going through the the whole tubal pregnancy didn' t change our Love for God... or the baby.... and now 'he' is surrounded by God, and God is love.

We have been faithful through it all, and will continue to Worship our Lord, serve our God, and Bless His People the best way we can.

I wish more people would just say they don't know why we're not preggers yet, and that they believe God will bless us... heck, I'm OK if you think God told you he won't...(I disagree) but just say what you mean, say what you want to say - and understand that I might take what you say a little more to heart than what you mean.....