lonesome...

Ever just feel a little lost, a little left out, and a little alone...

How did I forget to post all SUMMER??

There is so much to write about - but I don't want to drone on and on...

This spring and summer I've been busy being a Mom.  Matthew is growing like crazy, and I'm amazed at ow smart he is - how alive he is.  there are days were I just sit and thank god for how incredible life is... and how through a  miracle, and i mean huge miracle God allowed me to carry him, deliver him, raise him... I just can't express of honoured I am. 

And then there are those days where I want to strangle I'm, in the loving-mother kind-of-way... if you don't have kids you think I'm cruel for saying that, and if you do you've already, subconsciously nodded in agreement.

Matty is growing and I love it - but he's reaching that stage I dislike the most... everyone has a stage tey dislike... the baby stage, with diapers and bottles and no sleep; the toddler years, with tantrums and messes; the early years, with the running and chasing... etc... etc...  you get to Teenagers wit Attitude and driver's licenses...   Well I'm not a fan of 1-3 years... I don't really know why, i just don't.  I mean I LOVE kids and I'll always be willing to 'hang out' with a toddler but it's just not my favorite stage. 

David is and was busy - it's the fall now so it's what we're used to... and as soon as his work-life slows 'the hockey' will pick up, and I'll be a hockey-widow..aha... ahem.   But I'm so thankful for David and how involved he is. He is trying so hard to do everything right - and he is.  He has come home early to help when I've been sick, and he's watched Matthew so I could go out and do some photo shoots.  He is just this amazing father, and husband.

Ahhh work - I've been just busy enough this fall, two weddings, and 6 family photo shoots and a few more to come.  It's Great!!!  I'm looking into getting registered - you know being all legit.  I'll have to find someone and figure out how to do that....

Phew... that was a lot... sigh...

wanting more...

I'm a new mom, an old soul, a wife, daughter, sister and friend...
I'm smart, and funny, silly at times...

I am capable of a lot, and I feel like I could do a lot... I use the words 'a lot' because they are so ambiguous.

I used to paint, and write poetry... it's been almost a year since my hand has held a pen or paint bush...

I realize that I want to de clutter to clean out and tidy up my home... to prepare myself for the next one, look forward to the next Home we make.

I feel a little trapped, a little less useful, a little more in pain, and a little forgotten... and it didn't bother me until today.

I often sit and think of the places I'd like to go, pictures I'd like to take, people I'd like to meet, and food I'd love to taste....

My body is restless ... ... ... to move, to create, to carry, to rest...

I have no projects, no plans, to busy myself I've written and rewritten six different budget plans for our house, and I know, like the last six, these won't be followed... they won't even be heard...

I long for a day when we sit and talk, dream big and move forward... I'm not in a state of discontent, I'm in a stated of stagnation...

April 4th, and I'm alive...

Today is a day if VICTORY!

In the last three (because it's just the morning of the 4th) I have made a birthday cake for my Father's surprise 55th birthday party, decorated said cake (it was funny, one foot in the grave and what not) and then served it while Emceeing the party for 55 of his best-est friends and family.

It was a lovely time and I did not indulge in the dessert - not even to lick the ice cream scoop clean after :D It was Easier than I thought... once I decided to just not have anything surgary -i didnt. well once I licked my fingers while icing the cake, but it was a mindless moment of weakness. so mindless someone else had to remind me that I was doing it.

Yesterday on my way home from the valley, we stopped at Subway for a quick bit before an event at church... while there David and I decided ( or rather I convinced David) to share a combo, so we go cookies and Pop... it wasn't until after ordering, paying and on our way out of the door, that we realized I couldn't have any of the extras...

it was kinda mind boggling how easy sugar just gets in my diet... oh dear - I didn't enjoy the cookies... or drink the pop... hopefully this week I won't buy things to eat I can't eat.

Friday is a Scary Day...

The end of this week is the end of Sugar for me... well added, processed sugar... I think it'll kill me. I'm hoping it will break my spirit, my addiction... i'm nervous - I love to eat sugar, and I love to bake with sugar, and I love to eat sugar... ahem.

I have been neglecting the spiritual Discipline of Fasting... and I want so very much to be doing that, in fact I feel that the Lord is convicting me to strengthen my spiritual 'body'. But in order for me to be able to do that, i need to work on my physical body. My family doctor would like me to cut the sugars, before I do something 'drastic' like fast. She would also like me to cut the sugar, because I have a great chance of inheriting, developing diabetes.

The rules I've given myself some rules to follow, and David and friends will help me stick to them.

1) No candies, or chocolates, or sweets, or baked goods, or ice cream.
2) No extra sugar, which means nothing in my tea or on my cereal; and no syrup on my pancakes and waffles.
3) No processed sugary things - Tim Horton's Cappuccinos for example

I can do it! April is a short month (if I had been wise I would have chosen February)

Wow 6months.... time flies when your elbow deep in dirty diapers...

Well not really elbow deep, in fact not really deep in diapers at all. I'm a believer of throwing them out... just sayin'.

Matthew has turned 6months old.

He is such a blessing, and a reminder of how good God is. It's been six months and I still find myself staring at him in disbelief. I have a baby, I had a baby, I birthed a baby, I carried this baby to full term.. Matthew was born early, and needed almost no medical intervention... he breathed, breastfed, grew and was home in the shortest time some nurses had seen... Matthews complete existence is a miracle.

I spend minutes each day crying, tears of joy... I and grateful and sing songs of thanksgiving to God (cheesy I know) but I just can't get over the miracle and blessing I have received.

God is Good!

My baby is growing up. He's frickin' huge too. I mean for a preemie he's ginormous, but even for 'normal' babies he a big boy. I am blown away at how Matthew is developing, and learning. I can't believe the things he is doing... and trying to do.

I might be biased but I think he's a little bit of a genius :D

He's awake now, so I should be a good mom and go get him...

Mothering Alarm

I didn't sleep last night... My babe is sick with a double ear infection...

I realized in the early morning that I've arrived. I hit one of the tests of a new mother... and I'm not sure I passed.

Last night we gave Matty some tylenol, Anitbiotics and his bottle, he fell asleep while burping and we put him to bed... it was a very easy process... and yet I stayed up all night - not on purpose mind you. I was worried, I was making sure he was ok, I must have checked him for a fever 100 times last night. I knew he was ok, but I couldn't ignore the What Ifs.

I guess that's what mom's do. We have a little alarm inside that goes nuts at the what ifs about life and our children. I love it and I hate it.

He slept well and I did not. Hopefully he'll nap so I can nap :D

A Lot to Think About...

I've been stuck inside... for about a week. Both Matthew and I have been battling a fierce cold. I've had it for almost a month and a half, he's just sorta playing with it. I think that I'm better , and a day latter I'm back to square one. This time around it's settled in my chest. Yuck Much.

We've been trapped at home for a week. Well, that's not entirely true, I was out for church, and then this one trip to the city... but it nearly killed me... so I've made up for the outings by making homemade chicken soup, and staying in my jammies for days. Physically I've had to slow down, because everything stopped.

Mentally I'm at my end. I feel out of control, not in a 'crazy' and aggressive way, but in a Passive, and all control is taken from me sort of way. I'm not a control freak, don't get me wrong. I, in fact, prefer to not be in control of most things; even though I'm a Type A personality. But I do want some control in my life. I don't want to be a spectator. I enjoy being apart of something, to be an active member of life, community, church, marriage, parenthood... womanhood even.

I don't have a realm of 'my space'. What in my life is mine? Where are my responsibilities, and what is my role?

Spiritually, Wow, is God working on me... It's like he's working on the sick side of my soul. I've been hiding from my own fears for the last couple of months. My life has been so about being Matthew's mother, and living in that blessing that I pushed aside all the things that God has been teaching me.

I guess we forget that God can Bless you, and want you to walk in that blessing, but not forget, or disregard the fact that He's working on you.

My forgetting was about self. About His view of Me. I forget that I'm loved. I forget I'm a loveable.

Self Esteem is linked to Spirituality, whether we want it to be or not. If you don't believe you exist for a reason, that something 'great' created you, then you become 'just like everyone else' you are just a 'mistake that grew from slime' you simply exist, and one day you won't... sad. You would judge yourself by humanity's standard... which is constantly changing, which is rooted in selfishness, and destruction, and you change based on what Others want you to be.

See here's the tougher stuff.... you say to me... "Shannon, what about being Me for Me?"... Well If I did not have faith in a God who created me, then currently I wouldn't' want to be me for me. We forget that we are flawed, we are corrupt and toss like the waves. I'm not steady enough to be the standard of myself.

We are not Good, I have yet to meet the prefect human. As much as society is wrong, and selfish, Society is just a bunch of people. we are individuals, but not independent. If we change ourselves, for simple ourselves, we are pressured by our culture, our time, our environment... so we can't be independently independent.

Because I believe in a 'greater', in something beyond myself, I believe that 'the greater' (Who we will call God) ( and who wants a personal relationship with each of us, as I believe...) has created me. Not by mistake, and not by accident, and not 'just because he had nothing to do on the sixth day'. That alone is a huge deal in regards to my self worth, and self esteem. God made me, He knew me in my mothers womb, he Created me in His image. But more than just being part of his creation He has good planned for me, I am his favored, and the Apple of his eye. He is the standard by which I can compare my life, my mind, body and soul...

And yet I don't feel it or see it right now. I believe it, but don't think about it.. It's like I'm covered in a fog. When I'm standing in front of a mirror, Feeling lost, laying in bed at midnight; Worn out and tired, holding Matty; or crying in the shower I just can't seem to remember it...

I often ignore / forget that God gave me David, and that when I feel unloved, David's love and perspective of 'me' is something... It counts for something. It's worth something because my husband loves me, with a God like Love, and Loves me with a humanistic love - that when he says I'm beautiful, I should actually listen.. not just smile and toss aside. That I should hear it.

I guess I don't hear the words, and I can ignore the actions... I can dismiss the feeling...

I'm still working on Me...

the long hard road...

I wish I could communicate... with my friends, with my husband, with my own brain.

I've been feeling so run down, and stressed, and alone... I'm just so tired (emotionally, and physically).

Matthew is such a blessing, and such an adjustment. I want to spend all day just laying and playing with him. Watching him sleep and watching him learn to laugh. I could listen to him giggle forever, I'm sure.

But there is life going, husbands to love better, people to reconnect with, houses to clean, weight to lose, de-cluttering to be done... and a list of things I wanted to accomplish before I'm 30...

I'm not sure I can get it all in, in this short life I have.

My body is putting such a strain on my life. I usually can just ignore it, move through it, and get past it. But it seems to be stopping me in my tracks. I could clean my house better if it didn't hurt every time I bent over... I could go play with my baby, take a nice relaxing walk out side if it didn't mean being 'paralyzed' with pain in the knees.

The Pain is starting to seep into my brain, into my heart. It's what I think about more and more each day, I can't help it - it hurts... and it puts me on edge. It’s had to play nice when all I want to do is scream from the frustrating ache.

I can't sleep well because that's when the swelling starts and the anguish gets into the bone... when the muscles relax, the bones cry out in pain.

I don't want to be a wife whose to consumed with herself she forgets her spouse, and I don't want to be a mom who can't do anything with her child for fear of the throbbing in the morning...