the long hard road...

I wish I could communicate... with my friends, with my husband, with my own brain.

I've been feeling so run down, and stressed, and alone... I'm just so tired (emotionally, and physically).

Matthew is such a blessing, and such an adjustment. I want to spend all day just laying and playing with him. Watching him sleep and watching him learn to laugh. I could listen to him giggle forever, I'm sure.

But there is life going, husbands to love better, people to reconnect with, houses to clean, weight to lose, de-cluttering to be done... and a list of things I wanted to accomplish before I'm 30...

I'm not sure I can get it all in, in this short life I have.

My body is putting such a strain on my life. I usually can just ignore it, move through it, and get past it. But it seems to be stopping me in my tracks. I could clean my house better if it didn't hurt every time I bent over... I could go play with my baby, take a nice relaxing walk out side if it didn't mean being 'paralyzed' with pain in the knees.

The Pain is starting to seep into my brain, into my heart. It's what I think about more and more each day, I can't help it - it hurts... and it puts me on edge. It’s had to play nice when all I want to do is scream from the frustrating ache.

I can't sleep well because that's when the swelling starts and the anguish gets into the bone... when the muscles relax, the bones cry out in pain.

I don't want to be a wife whose to consumed with herself she forgets her spouse, and I don't want to be a mom who can't do anything with her child for fear of the throbbing in the morning...