I suppose I'm faithful. Not in the '...to my husband' sort of way, although I a very 'that' kind of faithful... But I'm faithful in the God sense.
I don't really see it, but my dearest friends, my bible study group, and most of church seem to think I've got Faith. So let's give them the benefit of the doubt.
I don't really see it, but my dearest friends, my bible study group, and most of church seem to think I've got Faith. So let's give them the benefit of the doubt.
I guess along this path, my faith journey (doesn't it sound ever so hippy...) there have been a lot of Ups and Downs. But being Faithful in all situations is the hard part. It' s easy to love God, to walk in His footsteps, to follow the path He's laid out for you; when things are going your way, and your will lines up with God's. But what about when it doesn't, what if you are following the desires of your heart, and not the One who gave them to you?
When I was younger, 14, I was told, simply and plainly, that Having kids wouldn't really be an option. That I would have to suffer through miscarriage after miscarriage, and that was only if I was 'lucky' enough to even get pregnant. So my life, as a young woman, was a walk of faith from the beginning. I got over that, and didn't really think much about it... I mean who thinks Doctors know anything when you've just gotten around to being a teenager?
I met and married David, and lets talk about faithful... Do you have any idea how hard it was to tell a Man that you're broken, that you may not, and most likely will not be able to give him children, and know that he could just walk away... it's kinda a big deal. And since you all know I'm married to him you can see that David was Faithful to me... it felt good to see a tangible example of God's faithfulness in David.
We began trying for kids on pure Faith! I don't think David really gave it much thought. I guess I wouldn't have either, if I hadn't already been thinking about the lack of kids for a decade. So we 'tried'; if you can call it that (aha). After much prayer, the Big Picture was apparent; God wanted us to be parents... The Small Picture.. not so much. We assumed that God would just grant us what we wanted. You know, if we asked just right... or prayer the right way... fasted... attended Sunday Service... loved people.. you know "good Christian" things... That God, the magic Genie would just grant us our wish.
That didn't happen. So we prayed some more, and I got the sense that God said he'd be faithful, and that we needed to remain faithful. We decided that we'd seek out Medical help. Boy did I get a lot of Grief for that decision. If my arm was broken, I'd seek out medical help, but if my ovaries are broken I'm not supposed to? We saw our fertility specialist, and tried a few different drugs, and then combinations of drugs. Nothing... 2 years passed, it was starting to look like maybe we heard God wrong...
I met and married David, and lets talk about faithful... Do you have any idea how hard it was to tell a Man that you're broken, that you may not, and most likely will not be able to give him children, and know that he could just walk away... it's kinda a big deal. And since you all know I'm married to him you can see that David was Faithful to me... it felt good to see a tangible example of God's faithfulness in David.
We began trying for kids on pure Faith! I don't think David really gave it much thought. I guess I wouldn't have either, if I hadn't already been thinking about the lack of kids for a decade. So we 'tried'; if you can call it that (aha). After much prayer, the Big Picture was apparent; God wanted us to be parents... The Small Picture.. not so much. We assumed that God would just grant us what we wanted. You know, if we asked just right... or prayer the right way... fasted... attended Sunday Service... loved people.. you know "good Christian" things... That God, the magic Genie would just grant us our wish.
That didn't happen. So we prayed some more, and I got the sense that God said he'd be faithful, and that we needed to remain faithful. We decided that we'd seek out Medical help. Boy did I get a lot of Grief for that decision. If my arm was broken, I'd seek out medical help, but if my ovaries are broken I'm not supposed to? We saw our fertility specialist, and tried a few different drugs, and then combinations of drugs. Nothing... 2 years passed, it was starting to look like maybe we heard God wrong...
We began thinking about Adoption, about foster care... and we still took the medicine. And Poof... August 2008 we conceived... it was wonderful for about a moment. From the get go things did not look so good. We found out, very early, that the pregnancy was in trouble. It was Ectopic and there was a lot of whirlwind around it... and in the end we had to terminate. It was AWFUL! I don't even know if I can truly express how awful.. but I've talked about that before So I won't get into the deatails... However I was still celebrating life... God was faithful, I had conceived. which according to my old specialist was never going to happen...
As we moved through that season in our life, we found that it was only with God's strength that got us through... God was Faithful to myself, to David and to our Marriage... losing a baby is tough, but God taught me that He will sustain me... and it was hard to learn, but I finally got, that maybe, that truth, should be enough.
Don't get me wrong we kept trying. We keep seeing Doctors, we keep hoping... and as January 2010 rolled around, we were out of options. Talk about a hard visit to the Doctor. It was harder that last time, than going to the hospital for the Ectopic pregnancy.... I cried for days. I still get a little panic stricken. it was a tough thing to hear " you have Unidentified, or Unexplained Infertility..." Which I heard as .... "huh??, you're still not pregnant?? huh, weird..."
This is where the Faithful gets real... I can remember thinking "is this it??" I was so sure that God had said we'd be parents... I knew it in my heart... but I had to get over the 'want'. Natasha sat me down one day, and simply said a truth I needed to hear... "I was OK, I was God's child, I was 'prefect' ... not as a mother, but as myself... just me. I shouldn't find my worth in motherhood... but in the Lord... "
BAM! it hit me. If I was to be faithful to God I needed to understand that He would be enough. He didn't see me as broken, something to be fixed, I wasn't a Weekend Craft project for God... but that I was made whole... with my faults, my biology and my life decisions through Jesus Christ. So I needed to be OK with the Sovereignty of God. That He could say NO. and in saying No would still be a Faithful, Loving, caring God... who had only Good planned for my life.
Hearing it was hard... believing it was worse. My faith took a tumble. I didn't want believe that God wouldn't simply give me a child. It took a while, but I got it. My faith kicked in, I finally sat up at night, and thought about how grateful I was, how loved I was, and how I didn't need to WANT a baby... God would reveal to David and I, His will, in His time.
BAM! it hit me. If I was to be faithful to God I needed to understand that He would be enough. He didn't see me as broken, something to be fixed, I wasn't a Weekend Craft project for God... but that I was made whole... with my faults, my biology and my life decisions through Jesus Christ. So I needed to be OK with the Sovereignty of God. That He could say NO. and in saying No would still be a Faithful, Loving, caring God... who had only Good planned for my life.
Hearing it was hard... believing it was worse. My faith took a tumble. I didn't want believe that God wouldn't simply give me a child. It took a while, but I got it. My faith kicked in, I finally sat up at night, and thought about how grateful I was, how loved I was, and how I didn't need to WANT a baby... God would reveal to David and I, His will, in His time.
When I look back on the last 3 years I don't think we made mistakes in our choices. I think seeing the Doctors, going for prayer, seeking out healing, and yes, chasing miracles was part of the process. I think that we had to make all of those choices to truly see what God wanted us to learn. That He is God, that He is in Control, and that HE knows what's best.
And Where is the Faith journey now??? Like I said earlier, it's easy to be faithful when life is going well... and I can't tell you how excited and wonderful life is... now that I'm Pregnant again!!
We have been Blessed, and continue to thank God for the mini-miracle that He has done in our lives. I don't get through an hour where I don't want to fall to my knees and praise God for this. We are praying for a healthy, full term pregnancy, and believe God for a Beautiful child...
