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I was watching Oprah... I know, I know, get past that – There is a point.The show was called... He just isn’t that in to you... It seemed to make so much sense, and sort of add to my last update. It hit me... too many people are in relationships that they are settling for. Again, adding on to my last update. If you have to change for them, if you are constantly disappointed, if you are hurt, if you are just scared that you won’t find some one else, and you are afraid... then he or she isn’t that into you... you need to step up and step out...
I do believe that most if not all people out there have someone that God has for them, someone that is that in to you... into you because there is this natural, created love. Being in a relationship isn’t’ about getting or even giving... both of those are by-products. Being in a relationship is about bettering and improving your life, with the meshing and bettering and improving of your partner’s life.
I’m tried of everyone talking about how it’s 50/50. Wait! I’m tired of everyone saying that a relationship is 100/100, and then not qualifying it... You have to be yourself, you have to grow and you have to be willing to follow God, once you can do that, and ‘be’ that then you are truly able to love completely someone else. This doesn’t mean that you come first in the relationship it doesn’t mean that your growth out-ways their growth and it certainly doesn’t mean that you don’t help facilitate, encourage or support your partners growth, change, development.
For dating relationships – it’s about seeing if that is the person you really want to marry, could marry, or should marry... It’s about breaking down walls. It’s where really getting to know someone is the most important. If you can’t grow when you’re dating you will smother if you take the relationship further. If you are not committed to the relationship (not that person; committed to the person is marriage...not dating... Does that make sense... is that harsh??) and your self in that commitment then you should take a step back, find yourself again... maybe you need more growing maybe you to truly be only independent on God before you can be co-dependant.
Its so weird... Words are throwing themselves to the front of my brain... like Sharing. Sharing is huge... can you share yourself with another person... the you that has grown, that is following God... are you sharing your partners whole being in their growth. I know at least two women (women in this case but it is certainly not a chick issue) who are in relationships with men who are not sharing themselves... who aren’t being real and who aren’t ‘loving their women enough’. You shouldn’t have to change for them; you shouldn’t have to settle to gain love, respect, and honor. Is the person you are with honoring you? Or a more difficult question... are you someone who deserves honor?
I’m not sure where I’m going... what I’m trying to say... I’m still working on the growing as Shannon. I’m learning to Grow with David, and It hard... no one said it was easy... but hard isn’t bad, it isn’t negative... it’s great. Some day’s not so great... but I would never trade it for anything. I love so much that I can be me, that David can be himself; we can love each other completely, with a God like love.
There are a lot of things just floating in my mind. Last night David and I were doing our devotions and there was this great quote... about love, but more about what real love is about. I have been trying to find the words to express the thoughts that I’ve been thinking – and this quote seems to spark something in my head...
“Real romantic love has an organizing and constructive effect on our personalities. It brings out the best in us, giving us the will to improve ourselves and to reach for a greater maturity and responsibility. This love enables us to begin to function at our highest level.”
It is not simply to be in love, and that is the end of it. When you are in love there is a change, a chance, and growth. However so many people just want to be in love and hold still. To avoid the growth, to not be challenged. They want to simply enjoy the euphoric haze, but not the rest, not the changes, the challenges. ‘Being in love’ and staying in that moment, that pausing of life leads to nothingness. From ‘being in love’ to simply loving someone. I have seen so many relationships that fizzle because the people love each other but are no longer in love... I truly believe that ‘being in love’ is the glue of a relationship... it’s the googily eyes, the sighing the stares and the giggles. But more than the sweet stuff it’s the wanting to be better for that person, growing into the relationship. It’s about being constructive, improving oneself, and growing to a greater maturity. Loving the other is important, but heck you love your brothers, and/or sisters... I would wager to say that if you were ‘in love’ with them that would be a bit creepy, and gross. Loving someone isn’t enough to really hold together a relationship... not in a romantic way. I believe that it can be done, that you can simply love and care for someone and not truly ‘be in love’ with that person – however I would never wish that relationship on anyone.
It’s more than all that too... or it’s different again you could say. You see being with someone should never mean lowering yourself. I was talking with Mom Skafte about life and love this weekend, and with Ev’y’s mom last Wednesday about love and life and some people we know; and it seems that these people we know of, or rather feel for, that seem to think that it’s ok to just lower all your standards, to simply lay down and get trampled on, and lied to, and manipulated, and this is ok. This is fine because ‘at least I have someone who loves me’. They think that being loved by someone is better than being true to them selves. It’s so scary for me to watch as people I love get hurt, and think that this is how it’s supposed to be...
Is it really love when the other person lies, manipulates, hurts, and lays down the guilt trip. Is it really love when neither party is growing, is being a better person, is it love when the truth is never real? Is it really love? Can the ‘greatness’ can the ‘love’ out way the hurts, the lowering of yourself, your goals, and your standards?
What do you say to someone who just seems to scream that everything is going wrong... and yet they don’t want to get out – because they love someone so much... with out the growth without the changes the challenges. It’s so weird to see so many people who just aren’t interested in what God can provide... Loving David is easy, God has given me this love... and Being in Love with David is Easy because he doesn’t hold me back from the person God is creating my to be. There is the sappy stuff but there is the concrete stuff. And neither out ways the other.
I know that was the longest Ramble, blather, and blabber... about something so big... it’s just I’m still trying to gather my thoughts into some sort of sensible thing. It isn’t finished – it’s a work in progress... Forgive me for the thoughts that may not make sense – again I’m still working on it.
I’m still so unsure of myself. I am not so sure I can do this – it’s just so hard to get the idea into my brain that maybe I could do this... I suppose people think that I’m pretty self-assured. But I really don’t think I am. There are a few situations that I’m just so unsure of. Like when I made dinner for grandma and grandpa Skafte.... The whole night I just felt like I had to apologize... and I barely realized that I was doing it... I just couldn’t imagine how horrid the meal could have been, and I didn’t want to offend anyone, you know... it is so weird. It’s not all the time, but in some ways I’m completely unsure of myself... sigh. Maybe that will change in time.
So the sleeping aspect of my life is so weird, I can’t seem to sleep and I’m just feeling so off lately. I’m not sleepy anymore, at least not at night, and I’m so tired in the morning. I want so badly to just sleep for 8 hours again. Sigh. Also there are other moments that are just worrying me, if worry isn’t too strong of a word. For the past month every time I eat anything I get this queasy feeling, and I just need to lay down and just let the feeling pass... It’s just so disheartening. I hate to feel so out of it. I know that it has a lot to do with my mental state. I’m so bored; I’m so tired of the same old. I do so much of the little things and nothing big, I have become used to ‘slacking off’ And when I start the job I’m going to have no time to do the little things that I like to do, or that I have to do.
I think that some of the reasons I’m not feeling so great, and maybe a little swamped with the nothingness... I have such random things floating in my brain... Get a Job
Do good at this Job
Stop slacking
Pay back the student loan
Stop the daydreaming
Help with the family income
Write poetry again
Play house
Cook dinner
Paint more
Clean the Apartment
Do the laundry
Read more books
You see it’s the little things that make me feel, under pressure, squeezed... its such a weird feeling since most of the things that are there aren’t big deal things... it’s so weird... sigh... I’m just in a odd place...
One night a few nights ago, David and I went for a walk, and just talked – and it was so nice to be out of the house, and walking. It was so great to talk. I tried to explain this to him. It went well I think he understands where I’m am – and how I don’t’ really get what is going on... about how life is just changing. Not that I’m ever great with change, but it’s happening so fast and so suddenly... and I’m not sure of how I’m handling it. I’ve been praying about this and I think that it’s not a spiritual thing, not some battle; it’s just how I’m dealing with this... trials that bring perseverance, which in turn leads to character...
Its just so odd, you know... I just can’t explain it. I’m not in a sad place, I’m not super happy, parts of my life are great and I’m overjoyed, and other parts are just there, inside my head, not really actively affecting my life, but in some ways completely affecting my life... sigh
What to do, what to do...
WOOT WOOT WOOT
you read it right I'm Employed...
I have to give my offical yes, and get my police checks done..but after that..
I"m a Kindergarten teacher.
Woot Woot Woot
it's a nice job, I never thought i'd be doing it...
but I guess God had other plans for me this coming year.
Back to School it is!
So I’m writing this blog, this entry, and/or this post? And I’m all l sort of just really feeling worn out – I’m feeling like I need to take a break. And like the last post I wrote that didn’t work because of some stupid mistake I made so the thingy wouldn’t post. Friday was date night. I made David dinner, and gave him a sappy gift. Nothing exciting, just something kinda sweet... The gift was a box full of candies, and little pieces of papers (250 in total) that had words that reminded me of him, of ways I thought about him, characteristics he had. He said he liked it, and that it was so great that I would take the time to make it. I thought it was cute, and something he’d enjoy. Well for dinner, first, the table was set all romantic like, candles and fancy stuff. We started off the evening with a cheese platter and this French like bread; it’s like a big baguette. Moving on, after some cheese and bread we had a nice batch of bruschetta. I love making it because it’s so simple, and this time we had black olives.... yummy. From that we moved on to the salad. Jeepers there was so much food. So much stuff that we had yet to eat. Well the main course was Chicken Broccoli Alfredo Pasta, and we both so full we barely had room for it. Dinner was done and we stacked the dishes, man there was a lot of dishes. But we decided to leave them. And went to get the movie Spanglish.... Great Movie! It was so great and sappy and what not so it fit the night. We watched the movie and ate Cheese Cake - Frig I love cheesecake. I could have eaten the whole thing by myself. But I didn’t, I shared. The rest of the evening, well I won’t be sharing that part of the night... martial bliss, sigh. And to quickly move on.... Grandma and Grandpa Skafte came for a visit this weekend. They were traveling through to Maine and stopped in as a place to crash. It was nice to have them here. I really enjoy their company. And I love seeing David with his family, he is so sure of himself, so confident, so willing to listen to the stories, to talk about life. He’s so relaxed. David is like that with me, but not with me and other people, it’s nice to see that side of him. G&G Skafte drove up from the valley in time for church, and afterwards we came home, sat and chatted while I got lunch ready. We had simple sandwiches, which was nice. Then the afternoon we just sat around and chatted more. I took a nap because I haven’t been sleeping. It was a great time. For dinner I made beef pot roast, noodles and sauce, and fried spiced zucchini. They all seemed to enjoy it. and David and Grandma Skafte did the dished. I loved that!! So that was yesterday, there isn’t much really else to say about the weekend.
I have my second interview with the CCA - Colchester Christian Academy – on Tuesday. It could be a great job? But I’m just not sure if I can do it? Or heck what they want from me... So when I go for this interview I have to remember to ask the right questions, and hopefully get answers that I can use. This is also the interview that includes a member of the Board of Governors... and they ask the deeper questions... IE do you speak in tongues... and if I do, they just shut down the interview, and it’s over... that is it – I’m done... so I guess it’s a good thing I have (yet) to speak in tongues?? Hmmp it’s interesting, I never really had any kind of conversations with the legalistic fundamentalists, so this should be great.
Well I wrote this really long post... about life, and needing time to really just rest... and not pretend... and about working on theradoi - but not yet... and maybe getting the kindergarten job...
but then it got erased because something happened...
sigh
oh well
Since I am in between LJ and Bloggin I’m going to be postin gin both places..
www.livejournal.com/~shannonjoy
www.shannonjoy.blogspot.com
I went for the interview at CCA (Colchester Christian Academy )...it went ok I talked a lot - cause i was really, really nervous. I'm nervous for a lot of reasons, I'm not sure if this is something that I can do? I would like it - but want and can are different. It seemed to go well, I think it was positive. At the end of the interview Mr. VanderKwaak handed me a DVD teacher’s guide. So I’m not sure how many of these things they have to hand out – but I’m taking it as a positive. Who knows? I’m really very unsure of myself. See I don’t have a ton of experience – but I was very, very clear at the interview, I didn’t try to hide it. I just don’t know, you know?
I’m still looking for a Job that just jumps out at me – just in case I don’t get this one. But heck any job would be good. I’d love to just to help out with the Debt I brang into this marriage (I know it’s brought) but brang is such a great word.
This Friday I'm planning a huge Date night for us. I want some spice in our life... I'm cooking a four-course meal, and then romantic 'stuff' but it'll be great. I can't wait to cook for him this huge, huge meal.... Shh Don't tell David I’m not telling him, it's a surprise.
It’s weird because I’m sure that there is more to write about, and say but really I have nothing – it’s like the farther from graduation date my mind gets the less I have to say... well maybe it’s the less I want to write... I haven't written anything, not a poem nothing... sigh I miss it. I wish I could in good conscious just take three days to sit and paint and write... and just be me. Oh well that’s it for now maybe more later... who knows...
I think this is pretty ok. I could learn to like this... Hmm
Yes I do think I enjoy this.
