Whispers of my Heart...

I've been bombarded with my thoughts, and although this may seem quite normal, since we are constantly connected to our minds – unless you’re crazy, and I’m not there, yet… - it’s the constant state of hurt, disappointment, and fear that I’m feeling. I was recovering from a moment of stress, and falling into another…

I was invited to a time of fellowship, and prayer… well more talk then prayer. I drove my dear friend Natasha home, and wow… she asked about me and everything spilled out. All the thoughts, the hurt, the anger, the lost feeling, the hopelessness… just poured. (Side note – it’s hard to drive and cry) We stopped in her Driveway and she prayed, for me, for life, for us… it was a time of lifting.



Three things really hit home – my heart was lifted up

I am walking by faith, not sight and even though waves may come… we are walking… We have the maker’s hand… and we are walking, not sinking, not falling, not dying…

There are obstacles, but that does not mean there is judgment, there isn’t punishment… there can be obstacles, and they are just that, obstacles…

I need to prioritize my life a little more… I need to focus on {God and Me} {David and Me} {My close friends (chosen family) and Me}




So I’m in the right head space again, and my heart is following… and I think I’m actually going to get through this… with help.Thanks Tash!

Argh

I woke up this morning dreading the day, I was nervous and scared.. what If I got news I didn’t want to hear… or worse couldn’t handle… How would I get through the day, the week…

I prayed continuously, that I would be able to accept what ever information I was told, I worked out every possible situation from tears and convulsing heaves, to joyful screams of Amen, and none of it was what I went through…

In fact I didn’t even get a chance for any of it. I spent 2 hours staring at a wall... And at 12:55 I had to reschedule… I needed to get back to work. If I had known that it was going to need to be an all day appointment – I would have worked that out, but I was told an hour, so I booked off an hour and a half, just in case… so after one hour of waiting – I was called into the nurses room and asked personal medical history, and then sent back out to wait… It was almost painful.

At 12:55 I had to leave, I almost cried, I had waited for this, and nothing. A complete waste of time.

I know most of you are thinking – big whoop, it was just a doctors appointment... ... ... ..

Only it’s a HUGE deal, now because I couldn't get in to see my Dr. I might have to get back on the pills I’m trying desperately to avoid, I might have to rearrange my habits, and put on hold family plans… which may not seem so bad except the longer I wait to try for a family the higher my chances of miscarriage, late pregnancy miscarriage, and even sterility.. So you see.. it is a big deal, a very big deal.. and not just for me – for David – all of this is my fault –and now that I’ve been delayed in this area, I feel like I’m taking a chance from David….

so that was my day… and I wish it would end… Tomorrow can’t come sooner.