The Last Month.. the First Month

This is the last month. We are officially on our last month of medically assisted fertility... We've been trying for two years (give or take) with Serophene. And as Dr Clague put it, "There isn't anything more he can do for us". So this is it - for now, this is where we put down the pills and relax. I hope. I'm excited for relaxing.

The last month for worry, for daily taking of temperatures, and counting days. The last month for hoping and waiting and being disappointed. There is so much effort in doing everything 'just' right... following all the doctors orders, and keeping charts.... all the while trying to relax, to stay calm... sigh...

The last month to try to explain why I'm trying so hard, and how I feel I have to do everything in my power to do what I think God wants for us... I know this sounds weird (and a bit like God helps those who help themselves), but really I feel like I should be doing what I can... not just sitting around and expecting this to happen. There is so much that I have invested, my time, body, heart... and this is it, I have fulfilled my end of the Deal. I can let go and let God... (not that I was not letting Him in the first place).

The first month where I can take a step back, I can take a moment and breathe, become just a woman, a wife, a girl at heart... not an incubator, not a baby factory, and not something broken... huh? Broken, maybe I'm more excited to 'stop' trying because I can't be broken if we're not trying... I can't be at fault if there isn't something to be at fault about. hmm deeper than I thought this would be. I'm glad I can't not be pregnant, I'm glad its not on my shoulders anymore, it's not my mistakes, or problems, of genetics.... it's done and I can just breath, take a step back and Just Breathe.

The first month I can go back to how it was when I was first married, there would be the same chance of babies then, and now... the same diagnosis, the same out look, the same vision, and the same beliefs. Just less stress.

The first month to be free from expectations, from the same old questions, the first month of a crisp fresh breeze... a season of rest, on all parts... for reconnecting to my God, my husband, Myself.