I’m still so unsure of myself. I am not so sure I can do this – it’s just so hard to get the idea into my brain that maybe I could do this... I suppose people think that I’m pretty self-assured. But I really don’t think I am. There are a few situations that I’m just so unsure of. Like when I made dinner for grandma and grandpa Skafte.... The whole night I just felt like I had to apologize... and I barely realized that I was doing it... I just couldn’t imagine how horrid the meal could have been, and I didn’t want to offend anyone, you know... it is so weird. It’s not all the time, but in some ways I’m completely unsure of myself... sigh. Maybe that will change in time.
So the sleeping aspect of my life is so weird, I can’t seem to sleep and I’m just feeling so off lately. I’m not sleepy anymore, at least not at night, and I’m so tired in the morning. I want so badly to just sleep for 8 hours again. Sigh. Also there are other moments that are just worrying me, if worry isn’t too strong of a word. For the past month every time I eat anything I get this queasy feeling, and I just need to lay down and just let the feeling pass... It’s just so disheartening. I hate to feel so out of it. I know that it has a lot to do with my mental state. I’m so bored; I’m so tired of the same old. I do so much of the little things and nothing big, I have become used to ‘slacking off’ And when I start the job I’m going to have no time to do the little things that I like to do, or that I have to do.
I think that some of the reasons I’m not feeling so great, and maybe a little swamped with the nothingness... I have such random things floating in my brain... Get a Job
Do good at this Job
Stop slacking
Pay back the student loan
Stop the daydreaming
Help with the family income
Write poetry again
Play house
Cook dinner
Paint more
Clean the Apartment
Do the laundry
Read more books
You see it’s the little things that make me feel, under pressure, squeezed... its such a weird feeling since most of the things that are there aren’t big deal things... it’s so weird... sigh... I’m just in a odd place...
One night a few nights ago, David and I went for a walk, and just talked – and it was so nice to be out of the house, and walking. It was so great to talk. I tried to explain this to him. It went well I think he understands where I’m am – and how I don’t’ really get what is going on... about how life is just changing. Not that I’m ever great with change, but it’s happening so fast and so suddenly... and I’m not sure of how I’m handling it. I’ve been praying about this and I think that it’s not a spiritual thing, not some battle; it’s just how I’m dealing with this... trials that bring perseverance, which in turn leads to character...
Its just so odd, you know... I just can’t explain it. I’m not in a sad place, I’m not super happy, parts of my life are great and I’m overjoyed, and other parts are just there, inside my head, not really actively affecting my life, but in some ways completely affecting my life... sigh
What to do, what to do...
Making kombucha at home
3 years ago
You write poetry?
ReplyDeleteThat's great, I'd love to read some of it.
BTW, check out my blog for some... pretty pictures.
ReplyDeleteYup I have a few poems... nothign big... nothing super great... but they seem to be ok.
ReplyDeleteMaybe i'll let yo uread some.
I do check your blog - regularily - it's part of the daily grind.
What can I say?
ReplyDeleteIt's so nice to qualify as one of your daily chores.
I love you shan! Don't worry so much about what others think (coming from the chronic worrier, I know - I should follow my own advice!) - cause you are FABULOUS. I love you bunches!
ReplyDeletexoxo
what about taking mini-vacations?
ReplyDeleteas in... one-hour vacations. It might not be easy at first cuz you'd still be obsessing over the things that are bothering you. But just take one-hour, and dedicate it to something that you want to do. But plan ahead, cuz if you just say, hmm, I'll do that tomorrow, you won't. and you won't get excited about it.
i.e. take a bath and read a book.
paint a picture
write one poem.
go for a walk, and take pictures of flowers...
etc. etc.
and during that one hour, don't go on-line or answer the phone (unless it's david :), or watch TV cuz that will eat at your time.
there's plenty of hours in the day to do all the things you need to do, and do all the worrying you need to.
and, when you are writing a poem or painting a picture, or anything else, DO NOT think about how someone else might look at it, and DO NOT apologize for doing it.
Just start with one hour out of one day. Not even everyday, maybe even just once a week. But plan it and look forward to it...
well golly, that sounds like such fun I may just do it myself!
Great Idea Ev! You should try it Shan, and I think I might too.
ReplyDeleteHey, Shannon, it looks like some trolls have latched onto your blog.
ReplyDeleteThose annoying anonymous comments keep showing up on my blog too - any ideas how to get rid of them? I'm getting tired of deleting them every five seconds!
ReplyDeleteBek - You have to go to your dashboard - and make it so that annon's can't post a comment -
ReplyDeleteIt sucks because now random people can't jsut say hey i found you - they have to sign up - so all my friends have to be blogging to have a say - sigh...
Ev'y
ReplyDeletethanks for the great idea... i will do that - a mini vacation...
i think this week i will paint...
You're great!