The Hierarchy of Motherhood

There seems to be this hesitation by some to say Happy Mother’s Day… I think I heard more Happy-Almost-Mother’s Day wishes, than plain ol’ Mother’s Day wishes. This got me thinking… let’s say that the majority of this post is based on a Pro Life stance, since that’s the stance I have. And I would like to point out that the majority of well-wishers were also Pro Lifers.

I’ve noticed that there seems to be four levels of Motherhood: Carriers, Birthers, Raisers, and Birth & Raisers.

The First, Carrier, is simple, when you conceive as a woman, you are a mother, the biology of ‘you’ begins doing what it needs to do. There is this Automatic pilot that kicks in and provides for the growing baby. According to Dictionary.com one of the definitions of Mother is a female parent, and one of the definitions of Parent is any organism that generates, or produces another, as well as a protector/guardian… in this case offspring. Simply by being the place the baby grows, and by biologically protecting and providing for the baby I consider a woman who is carrying a child, a mother… Simple logic.

Now here is where we get a little fuzzy. I carried a child, for a few weeks. I was a mother for a short period of time… but my question is, if a mother of a 12 year old child died, does she cease being a mother… I don’t think the world considers her childless… she’s not barren, she’s not and Un Mother… She’s a mother who lost a child. But, getting back to me (cause it’s my blog) I carried and lost a child, before it’s birth (again going with a pro-life, pre-born stance) am I not a mother who lost a child? Or am I simply childless? I become a ‘Forgotten Mother’ (I think I’ve written on this before)… So I considered myself a Mother. But the ‘world’ does not. So we have a discrepancy.

Birthers, if we go with the worlds outlook… then having a child in you doesn’t count… until you birth it… but what if you birth it, and put it up for adoption? Or the child dies? A Mother through and through. You are the biological parent, you are a mother forever. A child who dies, after birth makes a ‘birther’ more of a mother than a ‘carrier’, because their child was ‘more alive’…. They have a legitimate child… this is the toughest part for me to wrap my head around. I don’t know why there is this difference… I do understand that there is a bond, and a level of emotional attachment… but distinguishing between who is considered a mother based on how many breaths a child takes, leans to far away from my pro-life views…. So why do my pro-life friends and family treat me, someone who had a ectopic pregnancy (or miscarriage) different from someone who experienced a stillbirth?

And now, I’m carrying again, and it’s a BEUATIFUL thing… and yet I’m not really a ‘mom’… but I feel like a mom… but I felt like a mom last time… my baby isn’t yet born, I wonder if I’ll feel MORE like a mom then? I just don’t know…

Moving on to Raisers… A mother who carries a child is not really a Mother. And someone who adopts or fosters a child is a Mother… does Birth have anything to do motherhood? I am a huge believer in Adoption, I think that motherhood whether biological or adoptive is the hardest job in the world, and only the bravest women even step up to the plate. This is the next level of Motherhood – No one questions your motherhood if you are raising someone else’s biological child. No one tells you Happy-Almost-Mother’s day… so it’s not Carrying or Birthing that is the deciding factor in how people (pro-lifers or other) greet you and celebrate Mother’s Day. … … … This adds to my confusion around who is considered a mother…

And of course the Birther & Raiser combo… These are the women who can carry, did carry, to full term, and then birthed successfully, and continued on to raise the child. These women are viewed as the cream of the crop… they are the “real” moms. NO ONE would say to them, you are only sort of a mother. Kind of a parent… These women are the quintessential Mother.

But the difference in carrying a child, to birthing a child, to raising a child and to both birthing and raising a child…. I feel, that there isn’t a difference… that all these women are Mothers. So saying to anyone who has carried, birthed, given up for adoption, adopted, have a Happy-Almost-Mother’s Day… is a little insulting.. a little insensitive. At least to someone who’s only been through 2 of the 4 possible ‘mothering’ stages…

I’d like to say Happy Mother’s day to ANY woman, who has carried a child, birthed a child, and raised a child; because in my little world, you are a mother.

And that’s my Mother’s Day Rant…

life within life

SO our Pregnancy is getting along well. I'm at fourteen weeks, and I saw the baby at a 10 week Ultra sound - so lovely to see his (or her) heart beat and little body just floatin'. it was great... and we heard the Heart beat at Week 13. It was great.

I have monthly doctor appointment as per usual, and I just make sure I don't do things that are bad - like lift furniture... so that's easy with DAVID and MARK (my big brother is living with us for a little while) yelling at me everytime I want to move the couch.

Right now things aren't GREAT - they are FINE but we had a little scare, involving mucus - no there will not be details... in fact that might be a little TMI... but it's good I just have to take it easy. That means cutting a lot of things out - like no more Sunday School, no more babysitting, no extras, no gym, no aqua-sizing, no lifting... at least for couple of weeks... maybe a month... maybe for good - I don't know -- I'm waiting to hear from the Doctor...

It's really hard to cut things out of my life - I'm the person that people go to when stuff needs to get done... and now I have to bail out of things... I feel like some people will think I'm a little bit of a slacker... sigh... but it's all good - cause it means BABY!! and I won't risk my little miracle, well actually BIG miracle... But I feel useless and that I'm letting people down.. I HATE that feeling.. Natasha told my that my identity is not wrapped up in what I do for the church, for others... if I can't do then I'm still Ok... which was what I needed to hear - but it was tough to take in.

and at least I'm not on bed rest - I think I'd go crazy.

Faithful...

I suppose I'm faithful. Not in the '...to my husband' sort of way, although I a very 'that' kind of faithful... But I'm faithful in the God sense.

I don't really see it, but my dearest friends, my bible study group, and most of church seem to think I've got Faith. So let's give them the benefit of the doubt.

I guess along this path, my faith journey (doesn't it sound ever so hippy...) there have been a lot of Ups and Downs. But being Faithful in all situations is the hard part. It' s easy to love God, to walk in His footsteps, to follow the path He's laid out for you; when things are going your way, and your will lines up with God's. But what about when it doesn't, what if you are following the desires of your heart, and not the One who gave them to you?

When I was younger, 14, I was told, simply and plainly, that Having kids wouldn't really be an option. That I would have to suffer through miscarriage after miscarriage, and that was only if I was 'lucky' enough to even get pregnant. So my life, as a young woman, was a walk of faith from the beginning. I got over that, and didn't really think much about it... I mean who thinks Doctors know anything when you've just gotten around to being a teenager?

I met and married David, and lets talk about faithful... Do you have any idea how hard it was to tell a Man that you're broken, that you may not, and most likely will not be able to give him children, and know that he could just walk away... it's kinda a big deal. And since you all know I'm married to him you can see that David was Faithful to me... it felt good to see a tangible example of God's faithfulness in David.

We began trying for kids on pure Faith! I don't think David really gave it much thought. I guess I wouldn't have either, if I hadn't already been thinking about the lack of kids for a decade. So we 'tried'; if you can call it that (aha). After much prayer, the Big Picture was apparent; God wanted us to be parents... The Small Picture.. not so much. We assumed that God would just grant us what we wanted. You know, if we asked just right... or prayer the right way... fasted... attended Sunday Service... loved people.. you know "good Christian" things... That God, the magic Genie would just grant us our wish.

That didn't happen. So we prayed some more, and I got the sense that God said he'd be faithful, and that we needed to remain faithful. We decided that we'd seek out Medical help. Boy did I get a lot of Grief for that decision. If my arm was broken, I'd seek out medical help, but if my ovaries are broken I'm not supposed to? We saw our fertility specialist, and tried a few different drugs, and then combinations of drugs. Nothing... 2 years passed, it was starting to look like maybe we heard God wrong...

We began thinking about Adoption, about foster care... and we still took the medicine. And Poof... August 2008 we conceived... it was wonderful for about a moment. From the get go things did not look so good. We found out, very early, that the pregnancy was in trouble. It was Ectopic and there was a lot of whirlwind around it... and in the end we had to terminate. It was AWFUL! I don't even know if I can truly express how awful.. but I've talked about that before So I won't get into the deatails... However I was still celebrating life... God was faithful, I had conceived. which according to my old specialist was never going to happen...

As we moved through that season in our life, we found that it was only with God's strength that got us through... God was Faithful to myself, to David and to our Marriage... losing a baby is tough, but God taught me that He will sustain me... and it was hard to learn, but I finally got, that maybe, that truth, should be enough.

Don't get me wrong we kept trying. We keep seeing Doctors, we keep hoping... and as January 2010 rolled around, we were out of options. Talk about a hard visit to the Doctor. It was harder that last time, than going to the hospital for the Ectopic pregnancy.... I cried for days. I still get a little panic stricken. it was a tough thing to hear " you have Unidentified, or Unexplained Infertility..." Which I heard as .... "huh??, you're still not pregnant?? huh, weird..."

This is where the Faithful gets real... I can remember thinking "is this it??" I was so sure that God had said we'd be parents... I knew it in my heart... but I had to get over the 'want'. Natasha sat me down one day, and simply said a truth I needed to hear... "I was OK, I was God's child, I was 'prefect' ... not as a mother, but as myself... just me. I shouldn't find my worth in motherhood... but in the Lord... "

BAM! it hit me. If I was to be faithful to God I needed to understand that He would be enough. He didn't see me as broken, something to be fixed, I wasn't a Weekend Craft project for God... but that I was made whole... with my faults, my biology and my life decisions through Jesus Christ. So I needed to be OK with the Sovereignty of God. That He could say NO. and in saying No would still be a Faithful, Loving, caring God... who had only Good planned for my life.

Hearing it was hard... believing it was worse. My faith took a tumble. I didn't want believe that God wouldn't simply give me a child. It took a while, but I got it. My faith kicked in, I finally sat up at night, and thought about how grateful I was, how loved I was, and how I didn't need to WANT a baby... God would reveal to David and I, His will, in His time.

When I look back on the last 3 years I don't think we made mistakes in our choices. I think seeing the Doctors, going for prayer, seeking out healing, and yes, chasing miracles was part of the process. I think that we had to make all of those choices to truly see what God wanted us to learn. That He is God, that He is in Control, and that HE knows what's best.

And Where is the Faith journey now??? Like I said earlier, it's easy to be faithful when life is going well... and I can't tell you how excited and wonderful life is... now that I'm Pregnant again!!
We have been Blessed, and continue to thank God for the mini-miracle that He has done in our lives. I don't get through an hour where I don't want to fall to my knees and praise God for this. We are praying for a healthy, full term pregnancy, and believe God for a Beautiful child...

Changing the Earth

I had heard this week, on the local news, that the 8.8 Earthquake that shook Chile, actually shook the earth enough to change the rotation of the planet. This is AMAZING... I cant imagine it - I've never been in an earthquake but it was big enough to change how the earth moves...

It wasn't a lot of change, the rotation was tiny, itty-bitty even. But how often do things happen that stop the earth.... really... Wow.

I am just so in Awe of this world, it was created ever so carefully, and it's just so much power... it makes me feel small... and I like that....

The Sweet Sweet sound of SALT

So I just found out SALT - specifically Windsor Salt has Sugar in it... Why?
That is ever so random. Maybe so it will pour better... but Sugar... Sigh....

I really want to do soemthing exciting!!

I'm sitting here, on my couch - Browsing FaceBook, checking the emails, replying to said emails, updating the blogs, and of course, playing FarmVille.

I have thing I do, things that keep me busy, but I really really want to do something fun, like a Road trip, or camping, or heck a bonfire on the beach - something out of the ordinary...

At the gym

It's been a hard few weeks... I've been working out crazy hard, and I Love it!

Going to the gym is hard, but it's fun. (Could I say HArd more?) Robin and I go 4 times a week, we've got a goal challenge-y type thing. We've set and 8 week goal, and have broken it down into 1 week increments. My overall goal was 12 lb. that's 1.5 lbs a week. It means stepping up the Cardio, and cutting the calories.

the first I can do, I'm at 20ish minutes as a warm up, and now I just tack on 20 at the end. The second, well, it's tough. Like today, I worked out this morning, had a small bowl of granola, and for lunch a turkey and cheese sandwich (no spreads etc.) and for dinner Leftovers. Oh and 3 cups of tea with honey. I can guesstimate my total Caloric intake was... 2200... it's not good - Its better than before - but I'm STARVING... I just want to eat... it's killing me...

I'm thinking that I'd like to go more, but it's hard finding the time. I think I'll go in and do more cardio than I'm doing now.

Sigh - off to find recipes that are crazy low in Calories...

First day of working out.

I met with my 'trainer', the first session is free - it helped so that I don't kill myself when I work out! I have a goal of 25-30lbs but end or June. Preferably by my Anniversary! (June 18th).

It's an obtainable goal, so I'm excited to really get going. It'll mean working out - right now I'm planning 3-4 times a week - and I'll have to watch what I eat. That will be tough - I don't eat unhealthy food - but I do need to watch my portion sizes... I've been eating like David - - I really really really need to stop that. Also the binges - - really eating 4 chocolate bars at a time - even if it's only every 6 weeks - STILL BAD... sigh...

It's not going to be easy... Going to the gym... it was really tough, but fun. Hopefully I'll get to the place where it's not a HAVE to but a WANT to...

Working towards Working out

So today I was thinking - Man I miss the working out I've done in the past... and How I can't wait til Feb. 1st - I'm going to get a Gym Membership at one of the Gyms in town. Seriously, a Gym membership at a gym; what will they think of next?

I hope to lose 20ish pounds by June 18th weekend... Our anniversary... that's 4 months or 20 weeks. I figure 1 pound a weekish... that would be great.

Now I've tried the whole get fit thing before - but alone in my living room - it just doesn't work... I think it's the crying over how fat and unfit I am. I think that maybe the lack of space, but mostly the crying over my lack of self esteem... There is definitely the fact that I don't like to be alone when I do things like that... Alone can be very scary for a woman with past weight issues...

So we have talked about how fitness, and health is important. So I'm going to start going to the gym. I hope to make myself a little more healthy and a little less chubby. I'll still be a big girl, since I believe that skeletons are Not very Womanly. I think a woman's sensuality lays within her curves. I believe it's a defining gender thing - Womanly curves Not manly corners... etc. So I think I'll be a bit better at the self image thing, I'll be working at NOT falling into old habits. The goal isn't Skinny it's Healthy.

I'll not be alone. Robin, my dear friend, we'll be work out buddies! So that will fix the alone feeling. And once I'm in the habit, the groove I think I'll be 'able' to continue at the gym if Robin decides to do something else.

I'm excited for how a healthy lifestyle can change a lot in someone's life. I used to work out at ABU, it was a long long time ago, but I clearly remember LOVING it. I had energy, I had stamina... and I didn't have as many migraines. I had fun with it. I enjoyed it so much.

Choosing to get healthy, for my health, my self esteem, my body, my mind, my future.

So here's to getting the budget set in stone, and getting my membership... Hopefully it'll be fun!!

a simple debate... ahem, ahem....

I watched the movie, Expelled: No intelligence Allowed a while ago, and it was really eye opening - I had no idea that according to science only CERTAIN theories should be explored, forget in depth study... I write this now because I caught the end of a TV show that was discussing similar discussions....

I was watching a TV show about religion in school, and how as Christians we Evangelize... and how that American Civil Liberties Union / Group (or something like that) want to stop all possible Christianity in schools. It was about how anyone who believes in creation, or by proxy, Intelligent Design... they are stupid, and shouldn't' have any say in any way in the educational system. After all the educational system only works on FACT - did we forget that the educational system, when dealing with the formation of the world, and specifically, evolution (the Old World Theory), are running on a THEORY themselves? Why is one better than the other... why can one group force is in school... but another is called oppressive for even attempting to look into the theory.

I guess the Christians are to be offended, but not allowed to 'offend' back. I mean that as Christians we are to speak truth, in all areas of our lives... I don't think it would be healthy for a Christian school to NOT discuss all theories. I think our God is big enough to handle a discussion. I will teach my children about Intelligent design, but they will not be ignorant to the world, and their world's veiws... how else can they learn to LOVE people, even if they are different, think different... sorry I should say ESPECIALLY if they are different, and think differently.

I think all public schools should be open to discuss all theories - there is scientific evidence for both sides... evolution and Intelligent Design (which can lead to Creationism... or not... simply a Creator....)

Things to Blog...

Sigh, Tonight was small group - and there were so many things that God just reveled to me. to us as a group.

I am so blessed to have a group where I can come and be fed, and just be myself. WE share our thoughts, and there isn't one ringleader... it's just so good. God is So GOOD!

So - - I better get to bed - and hope the Migraine doesn't come back... Tomorrow is a visit with my Favorite-est Mother in Law!

The end of a week.. such a long week.

I guess if you can call 8 days a week, then it was very long.

So I stopped blogging, about the same time I stopped being able to breath well.. I focused on being with the kids when I had the energy, and that left me nothing for the evening... sounds like parenting... aha.

the last couple of days have been really good - the younger kids have been great, its the two older ones that are getting at each other.

One tries to get out of doing anything, and the other seems to mimic her mother... Sigh Pre-Teen girls. But over all they are all great kids.

David and I had a great week... and I can't wait till March for the Dykemans... I think David could handle a few more months between...

Day Three - we aren't Dead yet... It's really Day Four

so I'm off by half a day already... Today is Saturday and that's day four....

Here's how Day Three went...

Ahh Friday.... sigh and sigh again. I still haven't slept - well that's a lie, I got 3 hours. Yay for being a parent. Friday morning, well LATE Thursday night (actually) Danelia had a moment. A big moment... which caused her to need Luschka... who in turn would find me... There was a bug. Luschka and I think it was dream, Danelia was very sure it was a giant ladybug going to eat her... it came from the window and landed on her bed. Well that was a horrible thing for the dreamed up lady bug to do. We (Luschka, my very bestest helper-er ever!! and I) told her that Cats can eat bugs and probably did, even though it was giant; we remade the bed, just to make sure... and then I sat for about and hour rubbing her back while she calmed down and slept... sigh, I'm not the only one not sleeping.

We got up, and since I was a little sick, Danelia got to be my special helper and helped with Eric. She is a great big sister. Unless of course Eric is doing his own thing... then she's the boss... ahem.

We had a great day and went to pick up Luschka and Nikita and off on an adventure. We went GROCERY SHOPPING... yay.. ahem ahem... cough cough.

We had a list. We had a car. We had 2 small whippersnappers. We had a goal. We had an incident... (Dun Dun Dun Duuuuuuuu) (read as scary music)...

While in line at a store, I was paying, Luschka and Nikita were watching Eric, the cart, and my purse... and someone, who shall remain nameless, was standing close to the Candy bars.... tooooooo close....
I won't go into details, but we had to have a talk about touching, taking and unwrapping things that aren't ours, things that belong to the store, things that we didn't pay for. And because of the 'not nice' behavior, someone, who shall still remain nameless, lost dessert.

That said person, the nameless one, handled the discipline very well, no crying, no screaming... and was rewarded for her good behavior, but still lost Dessert... and even at dessert time she handled herself well... SUCH a good day. Sorta... in the end I'd say it was a success!?!

We slept.. we awoke and It's SATURDAY.

Ahhh Saturday...

David got up with the kids, so I could sleep in, and Luschka and Nikita slept in late. I made Pancakes... from a box... NEVER AGAIN... but spruced them up with white chocolate chips.
David and I cleaned up breakfast while Luschka hid in her room, and Nikita took the kids down stairs. It was great. David joined the downstairs crew, and I escaped to the shower... sigh...

Right now Luschka and I are hiding in the front room, and by hiding I mean, I'm typing she's reading over my shoulder, and correcting my spelling - -so if you notice the lack of Shannonese... (thign, nad, het, taht...) you can thank Luschka - while the playing continues down stairs...

Later we hope to be playing in the snow... and eventually sleeping... maybe.

Friday - Day Two... We're all still alive...

So I started the first day with out a wink of sleep - and I really mean with out a wink. ARGH - but the day went well, only one major breakdown in the afternoon...and then one at night -

Today we worked on Boundaries…

Danelia pushed, but I pushed back... She wasn’t happy – But I’m sure I’m more stubborn than she is.

She Grabbed a toy from Eric, wouldn’t talk to me – ran away, screamed at me… Told me that She didn't want to do anythign, that she didn't like me - and that She didn't have to do anythign I said... and then yelled at Eric. So after I caught up to her, which surprised her, she had a fit – which I get, cause she’s 4. We had a talk, she screamed – we talked longer… she had a time out. And had to apologize to her brother – that was probably the worst for her.

Sigh I love boundary day.

Now that we have ascertained that

- I am the faster Runner

- I don't yell at the children, but I can be the louder talker, and since I don't yell at them, they will NOT yell at me

- I am the adult, and I'm "the boss" of Danelia and Eric - not Danelia... and not Eric... ME

- That having a husband is a big help. I know it's only been one completed day - but I have a huge appreciation of how hard it could be for a single mother...

- Eric has called me... 'on nie' - which i think is Auntie...

- if Eric grabs my hand to lead me somewhere - I tell him to ask me, by saying, Come Please... (please he's got it's the other we're working at)... and ONCE, just once he actually said it... 'Ome Plez'

So that was yesterday, day one... Day Two is currently happening - only one, 1 min Time out, and no fights... so I'm praying that the rest of the week will go well... or at least the day

As for me and sleeping - I haven't' really gotten there yet - when I lay down my chest gets too heavy - I can't breathe.. and when I prop up my sore shoulder goes numb and tingles....
Sigh - at least I'm a king bed and I'm not pummeled in my sleep...

I guess the lack of sleep just makes the experience more authentic.

Today I have 4 Children...

Today I have four Children, none of them mine.

David and I are watching our niece and nephew, Danelia and Eric. That's Davids brother (James)'s kids if you didn't know.... As well as Berinda's (David's Brother's wife) little sisters.

For a week we have a 2 year old, 4 year old, and two pre-teens... it's going to be interesting - and I'm going to blog about it - each day...

last night we didn't sleep much, mostly cause we could sleep - David had to be up at 3 to drive all the grown ups - Berinda's Mom and Dad, and James and Berinda - to the airport... so I was awake all night worrying that he wouldn't wake up...

That's the story thus far... We'll see how things go today. I'm so excited.. I loves kids!!