The Hierarchy of Motherhood

There seems to be this hesitation by some to say Happy Mother’s Day… I think I heard more Happy-Almost-Mother’s Day wishes, than plain ol’ Mother’s Day wishes. This got me thinking… let’s say that the majority of this post is based on a Pro Life stance, since that’s the stance I have. And I would like to point out that the majority of well-wishers were also Pro Lifers.

I’ve noticed that there seems to be four levels of Motherhood: Carriers, Birthers, Raisers, and Birth & Raisers.

The First, Carrier, is simple, when you conceive as a woman, you are a mother, the biology of ‘you’ begins doing what it needs to do. There is this Automatic pilot that kicks in and provides for the growing baby. According to Dictionary.com one of the definitions of Mother is a female parent, and one of the definitions of Parent is any organism that generates, or produces another, as well as a protector/guardian… in this case offspring. Simply by being the place the baby grows, and by biologically protecting and providing for the baby I consider a woman who is carrying a child, a mother… Simple logic.

Now here is where we get a little fuzzy. I carried a child, for a few weeks. I was a mother for a short period of time… but my question is, if a mother of a 12 year old child died, does she cease being a mother… I don’t think the world considers her childless… she’s not barren, she’s not and Un Mother… She’s a mother who lost a child. But, getting back to me (cause it’s my blog) I carried and lost a child, before it’s birth (again going with a pro-life, pre-born stance) am I not a mother who lost a child? Or am I simply childless? I become a ‘Forgotten Mother’ (I think I’ve written on this before)… So I considered myself a Mother. But the ‘world’ does not. So we have a discrepancy.

Birthers, if we go with the worlds outlook… then having a child in you doesn’t count… until you birth it… but what if you birth it, and put it up for adoption? Or the child dies? A Mother through and through. You are the biological parent, you are a mother forever. A child who dies, after birth makes a ‘birther’ more of a mother than a ‘carrier’, because their child was ‘more alive’…. They have a legitimate child… this is the toughest part for me to wrap my head around. I don’t know why there is this difference… I do understand that there is a bond, and a level of emotional attachment… but distinguishing between who is considered a mother based on how many breaths a child takes, leans to far away from my pro-life views…. So why do my pro-life friends and family treat me, someone who had a ectopic pregnancy (or miscarriage) different from someone who experienced a stillbirth?

And now, I’m carrying again, and it’s a BEUATIFUL thing… and yet I’m not really a ‘mom’… but I feel like a mom… but I felt like a mom last time… my baby isn’t yet born, I wonder if I’ll feel MORE like a mom then? I just don’t know…

Moving on to Raisers… A mother who carries a child is not really a Mother. And someone who adopts or fosters a child is a Mother… does Birth have anything to do motherhood? I am a huge believer in Adoption, I think that motherhood whether biological or adoptive is the hardest job in the world, and only the bravest women even step up to the plate. This is the next level of Motherhood – No one questions your motherhood if you are raising someone else’s biological child. No one tells you Happy-Almost-Mother’s day… so it’s not Carrying or Birthing that is the deciding factor in how people (pro-lifers or other) greet you and celebrate Mother’s Day. … … … This adds to my confusion around who is considered a mother…

And of course the Birther & Raiser combo… These are the women who can carry, did carry, to full term, and then birthed successfully, and continued on to raise the child. These women are viewed as the cream of the crop… they are the “real” moms. NO ONE would say to them, you are only sort of a mother. Kind of a parent… These women are the quintessential Mother.

But the difference in carrying a child, to birthing a child, to raising a child and to both birthing and raising a child…. I feel, that there isn’t a difference… that all these women are Mothers. So saying to anyone who has carried, birthed, given up for adoption, adopted, have a Happy-Almost-Mother’s Day… is a little insulting.. a little insensitive. At least to someone who’s only been through 2 of the 4 possible ‘mothering’ stages…

I’d like to say Happy Mother’s day to ANY woman, who has carried a child, birthed a child, and raised a child; because in my little world, you are a mother.

And that’s my Mother’s Day Rant…