Friday is a Scary Day...

The end of this week is the end of Sugar for me... well added, processed sugar... I think it'll kill me. I'm hoping it will break my spirit, my addiction... i'm nervous - I love to eat sugar, and I love to bake with sugar, and I love to eat sugar... ahem.

I have been neglecting the spiritual Discipline of Fasting... and I want so very much to be doing that, in fact I feel that the Lord is convicting me to strengthen my spiritual 'body'. But in order for me to be able to do that, i need to work on my physical body. My family doctor would like me to cut the sugars, before I do something 'drastic' like fast. She would also like me to cut the sugar, because I have a great chance of inheriting, developing diabetes.

The rules I've given myself some rules to follow, and David and friends will help me stick to them.

1) No candies, or chocolates, or sweets, or baked goods, or ice cream.
2) No extra sugar, which means nothing in my tea or on my cereal; and no syrup on my pancakes and waffles.
3) No processed sugary things - Tim Horton's Cappuccinos for example

I can do it! April is a short month (if I had been wise I would have chosen February)

Wow 6months.... time flies when your elbow deep in dirty diapers...

Well not really elbow deep, in fact not really deep in diapers at all. I'm a believer of throwing them out... just sayin'.

Matthew has turned 6months old.

He is such a blessing, and a reminder of how good God is. It's been six months and I still find myself staring at him in disbelief. I have a baby, I had a baby, I birthed a baby, I carried this baby to full term.. Matthew was born early, and needed almost no medical intervention... he breathed, breastfed, grew and was home in the shortest time some nurses had seen... Matthews complete existence is a miracle.

I spend minutes each day crying, tears of joy... I and grateful and sing songs of thanksgiving to God (cheesy I know) but I just can't get over the miracle and blessing I have received.

God is Good!

My baby is growing up. He's frickin' huge too. I mean for a preemie he's ginormous, but even for 'normal' babies he a big boy. I am blown away at how Matthew is developing, and learning. I can't believe the things he is doing... and trying to do.

I might be biased but I think he's a little bit of a genius :D

He's awake now, so I should be a good mom and go get him...

Mothering Alarm

I didn't sleep last night... My babe is sick with a double ear infection...

I realized in the early morning that I've arrived. I hit one of the tests of a new mother... and I'm not sure I passed.

Last night we gave Matty some tylenol, Anitbiotics and his bottle, he fell asleep while burping and we put him to bed... it was a very easy process... and yet I stayed up all night - not on purpose mind you. I was worried, I was making sure he was ok, I must have checked him for a fever 100 times last night. I knew he was ok, but I couldn't ignore the What Ifs.

I guess that's what mom's do. We have a little alarm inside that goes nuts at the what ifs about life and our children. I love it and I hate it.

He slept well and I did not. Hopefully he'll nap so I can nap :D

A Lot to Think About...

I've been stuck inside... for about a week. Both Matthew and I have been battling a fierce cold. I've had it for almost a month and a half, he's just sorta playing with it. I think that I'm better , and a day latter I'm back to square one. This time around it's settled in my chest. Yuck Much.

We've been trapped at home for a week. Well, that's not entirely true, I was out for church, and then this one trip to the city... but it nearly killed me... so I've made up for the outings by making homemade chicken soup, and staying in my jammies for days. Physically I've had to slow down, because everything stopped.

Mentally I'm at my end. I feel out of control, not in a 'crazy' and aggressive way, but in a Passive, and all control is taken from me sort of way. I'm not a control freak, don't get me wrong. I, in fact, prefer to not be in control of most things; even though I'm a Type A personality. But I do want some control in my life. I don't want to be a spectator. I enjoy being apart of something, to be an active member of life, community, church, marriage, parenthood... womanhood even.

I don't have a realm of 'my space'. What in my life is mine? Where are my responsibilities, and what is my role?

Spiritually, Wow, is God working on me... It's like he's working on the sick side of my soul. I've been hiding from my own fears for the last couple of months. My life has been so about being Matthew's mother, and living in that blessing that I pushed aside all the things that God has been teaching me.

I guess we forget that God can Bless you, and want you to walk in that blessing, but not forget, or disregard the fact that He's working on you.

My forgetting was about self. About His view of Me. I forget that I'm loved. I forget I'm a loveable.

Self Esteem is linked to Spirituality, whether we want it to be or not. If you don't believe you exist for a reason, that something 'great' created you, then you become 'just like everyone else' you are just a 'mistake that grew from slime' you simply exist, and one day you won't... sad. You would judge yourself by humanity's standard... which is constantly changing, which is rooted in selfishness, and destruction, and you change based on what Others want you to be.

See here's the tougher stuff.... you say to me... "Shannon, what about being Me for Me?"... Well If I did not have faith in a God who created me, then currently I wouldn't' want to be me for me. We forget that we are flawed, we are corrupt and toss like the waves. I'm not steady enough to be the standard of myself.

We are not Good, I have yet to meet the prefect human. As much as society is wrong, and selfish, Society is just a bunch of people. we are individuals, but not independent. If we change ourselves, for simple ourselves, we are pressured by our culture, our time, our environment... so we can't be independently independent.

Because I believe in a 'greater', in something beyond myself, I believe that 'the greater' (Who we will call God) ( and who wants a personal relationship with each of us, as I believe...) has created me. Not by mistake, and not by accident, and not 'just because he had nothing to do on the sixth day'. That alone is a huge deal in regards to my self worth, and self esteem. God made me, He knew me in my mothers womb, he Created me in His image. But more than just being part of his creation He has good planned for me, I am his favored, and the Apple of his eye. He is the standard by which I can compare my life, my mind, body and soul...

And yet I don't feel it or see it right now. I believe it, but don't think about it.. It's like I'm covered in a fog. When I'm standing in front of a mirror, Feeling lost, laying in bed at midnight; Worn out and tired, holding Matty; or crying in the shower I just can't seem to remember it...

I often ignore / forget that God gave me David, and that when I feel unloved, David's love and perspective of 'me' is something... It counts for something. It's worth something because my husband loves me, with a God like Love, and Loves me with a humanistic love - that when he says I'm beautiful, I should actually listen.. not just smile and toss aside. That I should hear it.

I guess I don't hear the words, and I can ignore the actions... I can dismiss the feeling...

I'm still working on Me...

the long hard road...

I wish I could communicate... with my friends, with my husband, with my own brain.

I've been feeling so run down, and stressed, and alone... I'm just so tired (emotionally, and physically).

Matthew is such a blessing, and such an adjustment. I want to spend all day just laying and playing with him. Watching him sleep and watching him learn to laugh. I could listen to him giggle forever, I'm sure.

But there is life going, husbands to love better, people to reconnect with, houses to clean, weight to lose, de-cluttering to be done... and a list of things I wanted to accomplish before I'm 30...

I'm not sure I can get it all in, in this short life I have.

My body is putting such a strain on my life. I usually can just ignore it, move through it, and get past it. But it seems to be stopping me in my tracks. I could clean my house better if it didn't hurt every time I bent over... I could go play with my baby, take a nice relaxing walk out side if it didn't mean being 'paralyzed' with pain in the knees.

The Pain is starting to seep into my brain, into my heart. It's what I think about more and more each day, I can't help it - it hurts... and it puts me on edge. It’s had to play nice when all I want to do is scream from the frustrating ache.

I can't sleep well because that's when the swelling starts and the anguish gets into the bone... when the muscles relax, the bones cry out in pain.

I don't want to be a wife whose to consumed with herself she forgets her spouse, and I don't want to be a mom who can't do anything with her child for fear of the throbbing in the morning...

My Boy

I forgot to post this here - I had it on FaceBook but not here...

The Birth of My Miracle!
on Tuesday, September 21, 2010 at 11:26pm

Today is a day where I can sit, and write - It’s not going to happen a lot, and I haven't’ had the mental capacity to to and think , let alone write. Here is the Story of Matthews Birth - I warn you it might be a little TMI....But you’ll have to get over it... or don’t read it.... I was out in a hurricane, sorry, rainstorm, and then played cards with Robin, John, Crystal, and David... it was lovely..Later in the evening around eight o’clock, my tummy hurt a little. I thought I pulled muscle... so we checked it out at the hospital... what if it was a hernia.. I had a well, not a fear, maybe a worry... of hernias with this pregnancy... so off we went. off to the Colchester Regional Hospital.. oh dear...

I was a little sore, but nothing really painful. We went to the ER, they sent us upstairs and the nurse told us it was likely an irritable Uterus. What is that?? I mean who tells someone over and over that my uterus is ‘just’ Irritable. Well after a steady timing and constant pain she laid her hand on my tummy and was startled that the whole uterus was contracting - yes contractions... so she Called Dr. Clague... he came in and checked... my pain was at a 2 out of 10... and he asked us a question about somethign that can, later in pregnancy, trigger labour... We said yes, and that meant Dr Clague had to do an internal exam... Dr Clague’s next words were... “O CRAP you’re seven and half centimeters dilated - you’re having this baby tonight. Call the Trauma team... OK my dear, you have to hold on and not have this baby.... “

Oh Crap is not a word you ever want to hear a Doctor say - especially about your baby, the baby you’re not supposed to be having...
Right! We were a little shocked. No we were a LOT shocked. It was a lot to take in and process.. I remember looking at Davids face thinking - he’s really really worried, I’ve never seen him that worried - it started to worry me... and yet I wasn’t worried..

It was a God moment - I was not concerned, I was not anxious - I was not worried... I knew God had a plan, that Matthew would be OK - that I would be OK - that there was a bigger meaning for all of this.

So here I am, being moved to the labour room, without my mom, with out my suitcase (which would be packed next week, in case we ‘went’ early...) I was dressed in my PJ's, and I was just going to get a few safe-to-take painkillers, for that pulled muscle I had a few hours earlier... that didn’t work out as planned. Once in the labour room, I was commanded by Dr Clague, to simply lay there at not have this baby.

Truro was not equipped for a preemie - let alone a 8 week early preemie... and the one and only Pediatrician was away on vacation (it being labour day weekend and all). So I’m hearing this and not freaking out - the nice nurse Brita (from Ireland) reassures me that they have called a Dr who did a specialty in Peds, or neonatal stuff ( I can’t remember exactly)... I asked the name. It was Dr. Locke... Oh I love Diana... She’s a lovely lady who was my back up Dr, and friend from church.... I knew then that God was so completely over all of this.. that he had orchestrated this - for some reason, for some amazing plan... a destiny for my baby. I didn’t worry.

I was to lay still, as moving speeds contractions. I was there on the bed watching David pace as he called the parents (soon to be grandparents), Shauna, and Natasha and Lynn, for prayer - and support... Natasha and Lynn showed up and THANK the LORD, because I wasn’t really sure David and I were really ready... you see Prenatal class was 3 weeks later... aha.
David was amazing, he wasn’t sure what we were doing... but he was a great support. Natasha, had been through this before - and she and I shared a labour room before ( i was there for Alea’s birth) - was a great guide through the process. She helped me with the ‘what is to come’ stuff. and David kept me cool and collected.

But back to the birth. So I’m calmly talking and chatting, waiting for the Life Flight to show up... checking the monitor to make sure that I’m actually having Contractions - O didn’t I mention that part... that I was in almost no pain. it was like stubbing my toe - I know that sounds like I'm exaggerating, but really ask David, Natasha, Diana, Dr. Locke... It was great!

Three hours-ish later.. I’ve been sitting at about 9.5/10 cm dilated. and NOT having a baby... let me tell you how focused I was. I was thinking Closed... thinking relax, and yet stressed (so as not to relax through my contractions and into transition... ) ahh 3 hours-ish later the Flight team arrives! AMEN.

It was kinda funny. The ladies asked how long I had been on drugs, or when I got my Epidural... and when we said I wasn’t on anything.. they were shocked one exclaimed “Oh Crackers!”. it was another fun moment.

Now Dr Clague tells me OK lets have this baby. WHAT?!?! Just do it... you know most women get the whole dilation time to prepare for actually pushing a baby out. They get a full 10 months to get ready for the process... I got 3 hrs of not doing labour and then told to Flip the Switch and have a baby... this was the worst part of baby-poppy-outness...

Through out the whole evening there was so much Praying, Glory Given to God, Jesus Name declaring, Spirit filled JOY that I think I was carried through the ‘un-delivery’ and the delivery. I can’t explain how evident the Lord was in the room. Matthew was so protected. I know that this will sound so wonky to anyone who hasn’t experienced the personal side of God... but MAN it was Amazing!!!

I was warned that there could be complications. Matthew was supposed to be born not breathing, with non-functioning lungs. I was to push, but not too hard cause the Vaginal canal can sorta crush a 31 week old baby’s head... and all of this right before I was to Focus on having a baby. sigh.. not the most relaxed I felt, but I was confident that we could do this. See Matthew wasn’t supposed to be born... he wasn’t supposed to be carried to full term, he wasn’t supposed to be.. but God let it Be... and it was.

We break my water (miraculously it didn’t break before this moment), and by we, I mean Dr Clague. It was great. Dr Clague said, “it’s 1am and I’d like to be home in 20min” We all laughed and then it happened.
Un-medicated, natural, God filled Labour.

And then there was Matthew. He came out screaming! not blue, and not in distress... Dr Clague did some great steps to make sure Matthew was protected. It was a little ‘uncomfortable’ for me, but I’ll heal. the important thing is that he came out amazing, absolutely amazing...
The Life Fight team took him, after David cut the cord (I’m so glad that he could do that!) and took Matthew to stabilize him and what not. It was kinda weird - I knew he’d be OK - I saw him leave me... and then I was just there in the room waiting and waiting to get to see him again. Diana brought him to me, after David got to hold him. It was so amazing. Looking at Matthew... sigh I have no words.

Matthew was taken to the nursery and stabilized. He didn’t require a respirator, or any medication - at least I don’t remember him having any. It was still an emergency a lot could have gone wrong - but it didn’t. Matthew was taken by ambulance to Halifax, David and my mom (who finally got there, with Berinda, in time to see Matthew in the nursery) went to Halifax in the car after.... Berinda stayed with me and then we slept.

My baby was taken care of, before he was born, while I carried him, during birth, while at the hospital and I’m sure God will continue to care for him. 

I can't believe I forgot about my Blog...and my list...

To re start the writting of the blog...

Updated - 30 before 30

1-Graduate from University (DONE)
2-Find a Job (DONE)
3-Paint a 'hangable' picture (DONE) My Mother has it
4-Get Married (DONE)
5-Get Driver's Lic. (DONE)
6-Buy a house (DONE)
7-Pay off House
8-Have Kids (DONE) HOO WOO.. Thank you Lord!!!
9-Pay off Student Loans
10-Read 'War and Peace'
11-Attend a ballet or opera
12-Knit a Blanket
13-Watch a Cirque performance (DONE)
14-Get up and go on a Spontanious Road trip
15-Learn to Sew
16-Write a Collection of Poems (In process)
17-Have a Proper dinner party - fancy napkins and all
18-Travel over seas
19-Plant a garden (herb or veggie) (DONE) I'm not good at it, but it's there
20-Hit my ideal weight, and stay there for a while
21-Take a personal vaction and Paint everyday, all day
22-Do Photography as more than a hobbie (DONE)
23-Spend a week on my Grandfather's farm, finding out my roots
24-Buy a new (to me) car (DONE)
25-Collect and organize a Photo Archive of my Family (DONE)
26-Spend an Entire Day at a Spa
27-Buy something from a TV infomercial. (DONE)
28-Sell, donate, or get rid of all the stuff I have separated into piles to "sell," "donate," or "get rid of." (DONE) But there is more coming in them going out...
29-Go yardsale-ing and buy something incredibly hideous and display it in our Spare room Proudly! (DONE) It's my Hummel Art work
30-Be a better Daughter, Sister, Wife, mother(hopefully),in-law, friend, Co-Worker. (Will this ever get completed? I think I need a new number 30)

Today is the Day, that the Lord has made...

I learned that song many years ago... in fact it was the first song I learned to play by ear (or in my case figure out and try not to massacre by ear). It's a great song, and it has a lot of great words, etc.. but you know, I really don't think I got it till this week... on a cloudy day, when it had been raining for days. One of 'those' days. I sat and complained about everything -it made me grumpy, I hated life... I felt gross, fat, and bored... But it hit me (God does that, jolts me with His reality...) That I'm alive, I was breathing, I was here, and that was AMAZING. I didn't die in my sleep, I woke up... That alone is worth being Thankful for...

So this is the Day that the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it....

The Hierarchy of Motherhood

There seems to be this hesitation by some to say Happy Mother’s Day… I think I heard more Happy-Almost-Mother’s Day wishes, than plain ol’ Mother’s Day wishes. This got me thinking… let’s say that the majority of this post is based on a Pro Life stance, since that’s the stance I have. And I would like to point out that the majority of well-wishers were also Pro Lifers.

I’ve noticed that there seems to be four levels of Motherhood: Carriers, Birthers, Raisers, and Birth & Raisers.

The First, Carrier, is simple, when you conceive as a woman, you are a mother, the biology of ‘you’ begins doing what it needs to do. There is this Automatic pilot that kicks in and provides for the growing baby. According to Dictionary.com one of the definitions of Mother is a female parent, and one of the definitions of Parent is any organism that generates, or produces another, as well as a protector/guardian… in this case offspring. Simply by being the place the baby grows, and by biologically protecting and providing for the baby I consider a woman who is carrying a child, a mother… Simple logic.

Now here is where we get a little fuzzy. I carried a child, for a few weeks. I was a mother for a short period of time… but my question is, if a mother of a 12 year old child died, does she cease being a mother… I don’t think the world considers her childless… she’s not barren, she’s not and Un Mother… She’s a mother who lost a child. But, getting back to me (cause it’s my blog) I carried and lost a child, before it’s birth (again going with a pro-life, pre-born stance) am I not a mother who lost a child? Or am I simply childless? I become a ‘Forgotten Mother’ (I think I’ve written on this before)… So I considered myself a Mother. But the ‘world’ does not. So we have a discrepancy.

Birthers, if we go with the worlds outlook… then having a child in you doesn’t count… until you birth it… but what if you birth it, and put it up for adoption? Or the child dies? A Mother through and through. You are the biological parent, you are a mother forever. A child who dies, after birth makes a ‘birther’ more of a mother than a ‘carrier’, because their child was ‘more alive’…. They have a legitimate child… this is the toughest part for me to wrap my head around. I don’t know why there is this difference… I do understand that there is a bond, and a level of emotional attachment… but distinguishing between who is considered a mother based on how many breaths a child takes, leans to far away from my pro-life views…. So why do my pro-life friends and family treat me, someone who had a ectopic pregnancy (or miscarriage) different from someone who experienced a stillbirth?

And now, I’m carrying again, and it’s a BEUATIFUL thing… and yet I’m not really a ‘mom’… but I feel like a mom… but I felt like a mom last time… my baby isn’t yet born, I wonder if I’ll feel MORE like a mom then? I just don’t know…

Moving on to Raisers… A mother who carries a child is not really a Mother. And someone who adopts or fosters a child is a Mother… does Birth have anything to do motherhood? I am a huge believer in Adoption, I think that motherhood whether biological or adoptive is the hardest job in the world, and only the bravest women even step up to the plate. This is the next level of Motherhood – No one questions your motherhood if you are raising someone else’s biological child. No one tells you Happy-Almost-Mother’s day… so it’s not Carrying or Birthing that is the deciding factor in how people (pro-lifers or other) greet you and celebrate Mother’s Day. … … … This adds to my confusion around who is considered a mother…

And of course the Birther & Raiser combo… These are the women who can carry, did carry, to full term, and then birthed successfully, and continued on to raise the child. These women are viewed as the cream of the crop… they are the “real” moms. NO ONE would say to them, you are only sort of a mother. Kind of a parent… These women are the quintessential Mother.

But the difference in carrying a child, to birthing a child, to raising a child and to both birthing and raising a child…. I feel, that there isn’t a difference… that all these women are Mothers. So saying to anyone who has carried, birthed, given up for adoption, adopted, have a Happy-Almost-Mother’s Day… is a little insulting.. a little insensitive. At least to someone who’s only been through 2 of the 4 possible ‘mothering’ stages…

I’d like to say Happy Mother’s day to ANY woman, who has carried a child, birthed a child, and raised a child; because in my little world, you are a mother.

And that’s my Mother’s Day Rant…

life within life

SO our Pregnancy is getting along well. I'm at fourteen weeks, and I saw the baby at a 10 week Ultra sound - so lovely to see his (or her) heart beat and little body just floatin'. it was great... and we heard the Heart beat at Week 13. It was great.

I have monthly doctor appointment as per usual, and I just make sure I don't do things that are bad - like lift furniture... so that's easy with DAVID and MARK (my big brother is living with us for a little while) yelling at me everytime I want to move the couch.

Right now things aren't GREAT - they are FINE but we had a little scare, involving mucus - no there will not be details... in fact that might be a little TMI... but it's good I just have to take it easy. That means cutting a lot of things out - like no more Sunday School, no more babysitting, no extras, no gym, no aqua-sizing, no lifting... at least for couple of weeks... maybe a month... maybe for good - I don't know -- I'm waiting to hear from the Doctor...

It's really hard to cut things out of my life - I'm the person that people go to when stuff needs to get done... and now I have to bail out of things... I feel like some people will think I'm a little bit of a slacker... sigh... but it's all good - cause it means BABY!! and I won't risk my little miracle, well actually BIG miracle... But I feel useless and that I'm letting people down.. I HATE that feeling.. Natasha told my that my identity is not wrapped up in what I do for the church, for others... if I can't do then I'm still Ok... which was what I needed to hear - but it was tough to take in.

and at least I'm not on bed rest - I think I'd go crazy.

Faithful...

I suppose I'm faithful. Not in the '...to my husband' sort of way, although I a very 'that' kind of faithful... But I'm faithful in the God sense.

I don't really see it, but my dearest friends, my bible study group, and most of church seem to think I've got Faith. So let's give them the benefit of the doubt.

I guess along this path, my faith journey (doesn't it sound ever so hippy...) there have been a lot of Ups and Downs. But being Faithful in all situations is the hard part. It' s easy to love God, to walk in His footsteps, to follow the path He's laid out for you; when things are going your way, and your will lines up with God's. But what about when it doesn't, what if you are following the desires of your heart, and not the One who gave them to you?

When I was younger, 14, I was told, simply and plainly, that Having kids wouldn't really be an option. That I would have to suffer through miscarriage after miscarriage, and that was only if I was 'lucky' enough to even get pregnant. So my life, as a young woman, was a walk of faith from the beginning. I got over that, and didn't really think much about it... I mean who thinks Doctors know anything when you've just gotten around to being a teenager?

I met and married David, and lets talk about faithful... Do you have any idea how hard it was to tell a Man that you're broken, that you may not, and most likely will not be able to give him children, and know that he could just walk away... it's kinda a big deal. And since you all know I'm married to him you can see that David was Faithful to me... it felt good to see a tangible example of God's faithfulness in David.

We began trying for kids on pure Faith! I don't think David really gave it much thought. I guess I wouldn't have either, if I hadn't already been thinking about the lack of kids for a decade. So we 'tried'; if you can call it that (aha). After much prayer, the Big Picture was apparent; God wanted us to be parents... The Small Picture.. not so much. We assumed that God would just grant us what we wanted. You know, if we asked just right... or prayer the right way... fasted... attended Sunday Service... loved people.. you know "good Christian" things... That God, the magic Genie would just grant us our wish.

That didn't happen. So we prayed some more, and I got the sense that God said he'd be faithful, and that we needed to remain faithful. We decided that we'd seek out Medical help. Boy did I get a lot of Grief for that decision. If my arm was broken, I'd seek out medical help, but if my ovaries are broken I'm not supposed to? We saw our fertility specialist, and tried a few different drugs, and then combinations of drugs. Nothing... 2 years passed, it was starting to look like maybe we heard God wrong...

We began thinking about Adoption, about foster care... and we still took the medicine. And Poof... August 2008 we conceived... it was wonderful for about a moment. From the get go things did not look so good. We found out, very early, that the pregnancy was in trouble. It was Ectopic and there was a lot of whirlwind around it... and in the end we had to terminate. It was AWFUL! I don't even know if I can truly express how awful.. but I've talked about that before So I won't get into the deatails... However I was still celebrating life... God was faithful, I had conceived. which according to my old specialist was never going to happen...

As we moved through that season in our life, we found that it was only with God's strength that got us through... God was Faithful to myself, to David and to our Marriage... losing a baby is tough, but God taught me that He will sustain me... and it was hard to learn, but I finally got, that maybe, that truth, should be enough.

Don't get me wrong we kept trying. We keep seeing Doctors, we keep hoping... and as January 2010 rolled around, we were out of options. Talk about a hard visit to the Doctor. It was harder that last time, than going to the hospital for the Ectopic pregnancy.... I cried for days. I still get a little panic stricken. it was a tough thing to hear " you have Unidentified, or Unexplained Infertility..." Which I heard as .... "huh??, you're still not pregnant?? huh, weird..."

This is where the Faithful gets real... I can remember thinking "is this it??" I was so sure that God had said we'd be parents... I knew it in my heart... but I had to get over the 'want'. Natasha sat me down one day, and simply said a truth I needed to hear... "I was OK, I was God's child, I was 'prefect' ... not as a mother, but as myself... just me. I shouldn't find my worth in motherhood... but in the Lord... "

BAM! it hit me. If I was to be faithful to God I needed to understand that He would be enough. He didn't see me as broken, something to be fixed, I wasn't a Weekend Craft project for God... but that I was made whole... with my faults, my biology and my life decisions through Jesus Christ. So I needed to be OK with the Sovereignty of God. That He could say NO. and in saying No would still be a Faithful, Loving, caring God... who had only Good planned for my life.

Hearing it was hard... believing it was worse. My faith took a tumble. I didn't want believe that God wouldn't simply give me a child. It took a while, but I got it. My faith kicked in, I finally sat up at night, and thought about how grateful I was, how loved I was, and how I didn't need to WANT a baby... God would reveal to David and I, His will, in His time.

When I look back on the last 3 years I don't think we made mistakes in our choices. I think seeing the Doctors, going for prayer, seeking out healing, and yes, chasing miracles was part of the process. I think that we had to make all of those choices to truly see what God wanted us to learn. That He is God, that He is in Control, and that HE knows what's best.

And Where is the Faith journey now??? Like I said earlier, it's easy to be faithful when life is going well... and I can't tell you how excited and wonderful life is... now that I'm Pregnant again!!
We have been Blessed, and continue to thank God for the mini-miracle that He has done in our lives. I don't get through an hour where I don't want to fall to my knees and praise God for this. We are praying for a healthy, full term pregnancy, and believe God for a Beautiful child...

Changing the Earth

I had heard this week, on the local news, that the 8.8 Earthquake that shook Chile, actually shook the earth enough to change the rotation of the planet. This is AMAZING... I cant imagine it - I've never been in an earthquake but it was big enough to change how the earth moves...

It wasn't a lot of change, the rotation was tiny, itty-bitty even. But how often do things happen that stop the earth.... really... Wow.

I am just so in Awe of this world, it was created ever so carefully, and it's just so much power... it makes me feel small... and I like that....

The Sweet Sweet sound of SALT

So I just found out SALT - specifically Windsor Salt has Sugar in it... Why?
That is ever so random. Maybe so it will pour better... but Sugar... Sigh....

I really want to do soemthing exciting!!

I'm sitting here, on my couch - Browsing FaceBook, checking the emails, replying to said emails, updating the blogs, and of course, playing FarmVille.

I have thing I do, things that keep me busy, but I really really want to do something fun, like a Road trip, or camping, or heck a bonfire on the beach - something out of the ordinary...

At the gym

It's been a hard few weeks... I've been working out crazy hard, and I Love it!

Going to the gym is hard, but it's fun. (Could I say HArd more?) Robin and I go 4 times a week, we've got a goal challenge-y type thing. We've set and 8 week goal, and have broken it down into 1 week increments. My overall goal was 12 lb. that's 1.5 lbs a week. It means stepping up the Cardio, and cutting the calories.

the first I can do, I'm at 20ish minutes as a warm up, and now I just tack on 20 at the end. The second, well, it's tough. Like today, I worked out this morning, had a small bowl of granola, and for lunch a turkey and cheese sandwich (no spreads etc.) and for dinner Leftovers. Oh and 3 cups of tea with honey. I can guesstimate my total Caloric intake was... 2200... it's not good - Its better than before - but I'm STARVING... I just want to eat... it's killing me...

I'm thinking that I'd like to go more, but it's hard finding the time. I think I'll go in and do more cardio than I'm doing now.

Sigh - off to find recipes that are crazy low in Calories...