What was that supposed to mean?

As I meet people, talk with friends, and see relatives it's very interesting that at some point in the conversation, we talk about babies... this is OK with me, I've been open about everything from trying times, to the tubal pregnancy. It troubles me though, when, with out a doubt, someone, somewhere will say to me, gee... maybe you should put More Faith in God.

In that statement there are so many things that I have a problem with...

More...
Did at some point God put a little meter on my back that reads out how much faith I have. Is there a little thermometer that reads my belief? my hopes in the things I can not see? Because the last time I checked only I and God knew how much faith I had... in fact at times when I feel lacking I'm sure only God knows how much faith I have.
What kind of things happen in life that are measuring sticks, what type of life do I live that I've done somethings that let people know I am faithful, but haven't done, accomplished, That is blocking or achieved to give the impression that I'm not faithful enough??
It has even been suggested that David and I had some sin we didn't confess, some evil in our lives that we were holding on to - that is blocking the amount of faith we have. I do understand this point of view, but if you truly knew me you'd know that at the beinging of our relationship we, David and I, had a time of pryare confession and growth - Since I've been dealing with this situation longer - I'm pretty sure I covered that aspect of my spiritual life.... But thanks for the Godly concern... ...ahem

Faith in...
this is the one that I have a lot of trouble with.. there are many facets to this, do they mean my faith is in the wrong place? that I'm not seeking God... I can see where someone would say that - David and I decided to seek medical help. Most of the relatives who know seem to think that is a way of slapping God in the face - like he's not enough.. only it's more than that. God gave us minds, and some of his creation - like Doctors - use their minds, and gifts and talents to help the physical needs of others.. I have a physical problem, and so I seek those God has gifted... I would like to remind those people that No matter how much we 'interfere' with the biological processes of reproduction - God is the only one who can allow, ensure, and even orchestrate Life... David and I believe that we are being faithful to the will of God, as he has shown us. We are doing what we can.. rather than sitting back and just saying ok God Bless us... do it now... Really with the logic above - David and I should be able to just take sex out of the equation - and God could/would/ Should bless us with a child of our own... I don't buy it.
What else do we have in God, I mean what else can we do but believe and because we believe we do... we help... we love... and My faith is not in the medical community, it's not even in my own body, desire, or dreams... I know that God will provide me a family, I believe that He will Remember his maidservant, and that David and I are placing our Faith in Him... wholly, and completely.

God...
Maybe I'm off on my personal theology, but MY God's faithfulness isn't dependent on my faithfulness. Just like his love, and patience, kindness etc. He is who He is... If He provides a child, we will praise him, and continue to be faithful, and if not we will still praise him and be faithful.

David and I had a child, who knew only love. From the moment we knew 'he' existed we loved, and going through the the whole tubal pregnancy didn' t change our Love for God... or the baby.... and now 'he' is surrounded by God, and God is love.

We have been faithful through it all, and will continue to Worship our Lord, serve our God, and Bless His People the best way we can.

I wish more people would just say they don't know why we're not preggers yet, and that they believe God will bless us... heck, I'm OK if you think God told you he won't...(I disagree) but just say what you mean, say what you want to say - and understand that I might take what you say a little more to heart than what you mean.....

I think there is more to life

My Favorite season is Fall... and this Fall started out beyond miserable.
After finding out we were pregnant, we found out it was tubal... devastated is the word I would use.

But since then, since September, life has become normal again. Only it was never normal. So this is an interesting place to be in. I am feeling better, much better. I feel rejuvenated, alive and I'm not nearly as stressed as I was before the whole baby thing. There was a time in my life, most of last school year where I was feeling nothing but defeated, or worse... just nothing. I wanted my days to end... and then when a new day would begin I couldn't wait for it to end... there was little drive...

Surprisingly enough, and I thank the lord for this, David and I had what I would say as our strongest year. I can't even imagine what life would have been like without him.

With all that said,

Most of my feelings have gotten into a weird busyness. I'm actively involved at church, and feeling fed through it all - I'm not just giving, giving, giving, I'm getting... I'm learning and growing. Its very different.

At home I'm working more on the CLUTTER... it's killing me, but i'm learning to let go of most of my bits and pieces. This is helping my mind - I'm not stressed as much.

And as for work - I'm looking and not finding - but I'm OK with that. David and I are going to be OK. I will be volunteering at CCA, which is so great - I thought I wanted out of there... but It wasn't the place - it was my attitude. I miss the kids, and I miss my co-workers. I'll be able to tutor some kids from there - and that might lead to a part time job.

Spiritually speaking - I feel connected.. I feel like my soul is feeding on so many different things. God has just enclosed me in his hands. I feel protected, loved and even hopeful about so many things - Children, my life, my marriage... everything. It's refreshing to not feel so exhausted at the end of the day, I'm just tired now - like normal people.

My next phase o life is the healthy side. I'll be making sure that in three months when we can 'try' again, I'll be fit, and ready - un stressed, emotionally ready, and physically able to carry.

So That's where I'm at today.
we'll see how it goes from here... Always Hopeful....

Ups and Downs

I'm in a weird place. I"m so excited and happy beyond words, but at the same time - saddened at a reality that would be more than realistic. I am believeing God... for a miracle, for more than 50/50... but God is soverign, and His will is perfect... I will Praise him in the morning, at dawns brightest moment, and in the evenign - as the night gets darker.

Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name
Blessed Be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name
Blessed be Your name

When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

...

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name

Amen.

Camping.. or not Camping that is the question...

Annual, which means every year, well this year it almost didn't - isn't going to happen.
I'm sad. not upset in a mad way - but FRIG i wish it would work out.

A small group of University friends and I, we started a camping trip. We always said we would go, every summer - a different province, a different camp site. Well this year - do to many reasons - one being the price of gas - argh - we are down from a possible 6 groups to 2. It's one of those things where you wish you could make all the reasons go away... but you can't. I wish everyone lived really close, that all the cars we all own would never break down...

Instead it will be Ev'y and Us. Doesn't it sound Thrilling (nothing against Ev'y). but we've changed our plans a little, changed our location - doing a few more sight seeing things - campfires by the ocean. Maybe see if my little brother wants to tag along etc.

I'm excited to go - even though it's just a small crowd... it'll be fun!

Albums, Albums everywhere and not a drop to drink (cause I'm trying to have babies...)

So in the last two days i've been able to help out my dear friends the Yorkes. I enjoy them throughly... and even though my time with Chera is spent organizing photos and ATGing them in place, I still enjoy that time!

I don't get to see Matt and Chera, or Chat and Mera (as I have said many a time) through out the school year, since they are in school, and I am not. So it's very nice to see them on summer holidays.

that was most of my day today.

Before the pictures, I was out to lunch (aha) with a good friend Natasha, and I just think I'm so blessed to have the friends I do...


I wish I could see my oher friends as much... sigh.

meh I'm not sure there was a point to this - but i'll pretend I had one when starting...

Meetings and More Meetings

It was a long day - i spent 4 hours at the church today - It was long, but not tiring. However, here I sit and my mind is drained... I have nothign to say - and yet I write.

I had coffee with a dear friend the other day - I really miss her - I'm glad she is moving closer, but saddened that so many moments are lost... for an entire period of my life I spent being too proud to go back, too hurt to trust, and too hardened to try... But that was then, and this is now.. I'm so thankful for Now.

God is good! I have today.

I'm such a SLACKER

Would you believe that the evil forces of Facebook were preventing me from updating?
No, not so much, huh?

It's true Shannon fashion to neglect the blog - I also neglect my journals, writing consistently until one day I'm not so consistent. I'm sure it's something Ill grow out of... when I err, grow up, err, more?

There is a lot I that i could catch up on, but I can't recall any of it right now - so maybe, just maybe, if I pick up the blogging thing with some sort of effort, I'll be able to remember and write it all down.

The big thing is that I'm not working at CCA anymore. I resigned (well I chose to not continue, and finished my contract) for a few reasons, but the biggest was the emotional side of life. Some things were getting to hard to hear from the children, and I wanted to leave before I became bitter. SO I left. It was really really hard. I do take so relief in the fact that David and I have felt God was taking my 'career' in a different directions, So leaving was a step in the right direction. I'm still looking for a job - I've applied at my Church, which would be amazing! I pray that this is where God was/is leading.

Umm What else... Oh as I write this I'm in Ev'y's living room. We got together last night with Melanie Pitman and Holly Blunden, and did dinner - at 10pm - ouch my tummy. To celebrate Ev'y's 25th!! I crashed on her couch and was up before the sun (which is not as exciting as it doesn't sound). Today the plan is to go see baby Mikaelia (did I spell that right?) Blunden... and then head home...

And now I will leave you, and try to figure out the TV remote... these new fangled things.

where I'm at

I need to be able to process through the reality that God may not grant us children.

I know that I say I’m working through it, and that I’m content with where I am – but that, like the stomach flu, passes by… and then at 11 o’clock at night when my husband is sleeping soundly, and my room is quiet and dark… I cry, I am saddened by the lack of options (the ones we can afford), I’m hurt by the fact the God isn’t blessing us in this way, I’m aching for the physical need to fulfill my biological purpose, and I’m morning the idea of motherhood.

And it’s all overwhelming.

30 before 30 - it's been 6 months...

30 before 30

1-Graduate from University (DONE)
2-Find a Job (DONE)
3-Paint a 'hangable' picture
4-Get Married (DONE)
5-Get Driver's Lic. (DONE)
6-Buy a house (DONE)
7-Pay off House
8-Have Kids
9-Pay off Student Loans
10-Read 'War and Peace'
11-Attend a ballet or opera
12-Knit a Blanket
13-Watch a Cirque performance
14-Get up and go on a Spontanious Road trip
15-Learn to Sew
16-Write a Collection of Poems (In process)
17-Have a Proper dinner party - fancy napkins and all
18-Travel over seas
19-Plant a garden (herb or veggie)
20-Hit my ideal weight, and stay there for a while
21-Take a personal vaction and Paint everyday, all day
22-Do Photography as more than a hobbie(DONE)
23-Spend a week on my Grandfather's farm, finding out my roots
24-Buy a new (to me) car (DONE)
25-Collect and organize a Photo Archive of my Family
26-Spend an Entire Day at a Spa
27-Buy something from a TV infomercial. (DONE)
28-Sell, donate, or get rid of all the stuff I have separated into piles to "sell," "donate," or "get rid of."
29-Go yardsale-ing and buy something incredibly hideous and display it in our Spare room Proudly!
30-Be a better Daughter, Sister, Wife, mother(hopefully),in-law, friend, Co-Worker.



3 more down!!! - now on to the paitning a hangable picture... or sorting my things in to three piles..

Rant....

Holding on to someone because you don’t want them to move forward, to grow, holding on because you want to remain the same, you don’t want to have to do anything… holding on because you are trying to keep someone in the same life as you, are all selfish, all about them not leaving you… And that is not a relationship! That is not love.

Love is a feeling and not what makes a relationship. Being with someone should better the other, should cause positive growth, as a couple as an individual. How does someone get to the pint in a relationship that they don’t care about the future of it, or the one they are with? I don’t understand how people can say I Love you, and then scream at each other, manipulate each other, and hurt each other. How is that love? How does saying I love you fix that? Isn’t love making EVERY choice about the other person? About how it effects and will affect the other person? And shouldn’t the end result be growth and happiness… not tolerance and lost dreams?

Two people can be together; doing nothing that betters the other. They can be in control of their little lives, and not each other… They try to hold on each other and instead of helping they drag each other down. They are moving in circles, saying the same old things, having the same old fights, just being there… Living in a constant state of frozen motion.

Relationships do not stay stagnate, they grow or they die. There is no in between. No one stays the same when they are with another human being people are growing, you can grow for the better or not. You become used to the style of life you lead. There is a point when sitting on the couch for days is normal… you lose drive and energy. Life becomes what you can get out of doing, not about what you can achieve. Life is to be lived not viewed. There is an epidemic in the world of laziness, a lack of self-motivation, and a damaging wrongfully given sense of entitlement. “I don’t have to go get a job or do my job well because I’m me, I don’t really need to do that, I have the right to do what I want, when I want, how I want.”

ARGH – I hate it, I hate the people think that being unproductive member of society is the easy way to live… I hate it… I know that I shouldn’t – but it’s draining, economically, socially, and mentally. I don’t like to get in that habit – I know that I’d love to sit around my house have someone else stress about the bills, the meals, of life… but then I’d miss out on so much.


Ahh that is my rant, I’m done now…

Another Day, Another Dollar...

Well not for me.
I'm taking my last Sick day today.
But I'm not sick (I'm actually recovering nicely!)

I am going to see my specialist... We are going to talk options and ways that David and I can get preggers... well more me than David. I am praying that he'll say we are a perfect case for Clomid (a drug that works really well for women with PCOD - That's me). I want him to say we can start the treatment/meds right away... I really want things to work out.

But I'm not in control, but I get this feeling, like it's supposed to be. You know. If I don't believe it - I feel like I think God isn't big enough... but i know he is, so why wouldn't i believe He can work a mini miracle in me, for David.

So I'm ready and willing to accept anything the doctor might say, I'm believing that God will get me through any Bad News, and I'm praying that there won't be any. I am psyching myself up for today... and I hope that it will be positive news, things we can work with.

So if you are the prayin' kind... do me a favor ----- Pray Big!

Whispers of my Heart...

I've been bombarded with my thoughts, and although this may seem quite normal, since we are constantly connected to our minds – unless you’re crazy, and I’m not there, yet… - it’s the constant state of hurt, disappointment, and fear that I’m feeling. I was recovering from a moment of stress, and falling into another…

I was invited to a time of fellowship, and prayer… well more talk then prayer. I drove my dear friend Natasha home, and wow… she asked about me and everything spilled out. All the thoughts, the hurt, the anger, the lost feeling, the hopelessness… just poured. (Side note – it’s hard to drive and cry) We stopped in her Driveway and she prayed, for me, for life, for us… it was a time of lifting.



Three things really hit home – my heart was lifted up

I am walking by faith, not sight and even though waves may come… we are walking… We have the maker’s hand… and we are walking, not sinking, not falling, not dying…

There are obstacles, but that does not mean there is judgment, there isn’t punishment… there can be obstacles, and they are just that, obstacles…

I need to prioritize my life a little more… I need to focus on {God and Me} {David and Me} {My close friends (chosen family) and Me}




So I’m in the right head space again, and my heart is following… and I think I’m actually going to get through this… with help.Thanks Tash!

Argh

I woke up this morning dreading the day, I was nervous and scared.. what If I got news I didn’t want to hear… or worse couldn’t handle… How would I get through the day, the week…

I prayed continuously, that I would be able to accept what ever information I was told, I worked out every possible situation from tears and convulsing heaves, to joyful screams of Amen, and none of it was what I went through…

In fact I didn’t even get a chance for any of it. I spent 2 hours staring at a wall... And at 12:55 I had to reschedule… I needed to get back to work. If I had known that it was going to need to be an all day appointment – I would have worked that out, but I was told an hour, so I booked off an hour and a half, just in case… so after one hour of waiting – I was called into the nurses room and asked personal medical history, and then sent back out to wait… It was almost painful.

At 12:55 I had to leave, I almost cried, I had waited for this, and nothing. A complete waste of time.

I know most of you are thinking – big whoop, it was just a doctors appointment... ... ... ..

Only it’s a HUGE deal, now because I couldn't get in to see my Dr. I might have to get back on the pills I’m trying desperately to avoid, I might have to rearrange my habits, and put on hold family plans… which may not seem so bad except the longer I wait to try for a family the higher my chances of miscarriage, late pregnancy miscarriage, and even sterility.. So you see.. it is a big deal, a very big deal.. and not just for me – for David – all of this is my fault –and now that I’ve been delayed in this area, I feel like I’m taking a chance from David….

so that was my day… and I wish it would end… Tomorrow can’t come sooner.

So I thoguht I'd post a poem... new/old

I forgot what it was like
to try so hard
and not be noticed...

I forgot what it was like
to be loved
at every moment...

I forgot what it was like
to speak my mind
when my heart would cry...

I forgot what it was like
to sit alone
and not like who I was with...

I forgot what it was like
to lose a little more of myself
knowing there was no getting it back...

I forgot what it was like
to see something so close
and hate how far it was...

I forgot what it was like
to feel pretty
If I ever really believed it...

I have forgetten
and remembering is harder
harder than I remember...

The Last Days ...

Summer is coming to a close, but i'm enjoying my last days.

i'm reading a book -Celebration of Disciplines, by Willard.

it's a good book - and as i read, i'll post my thoughts..

really there isn't a reason for this post, i just wanted to post.