where I'm at

I need to be able to process through the reality that God may not grant us children.

I know that I say I’m working through it, and that I’m content with where I am – but that, like the stomach flu, passes by… and then at 11 o’clock at night when my husband is sleeping soundly, and my room is quiet and dark… I cry, I am saddened by the lack of options (the ones we can afford), I’m hurt by the fact the God isn’t blessing us in this way, I’m aching for the physical need to fulfill my biological purpose, and I’m morning the idea of motherhood.

And it’s all overwhelming.

30 before 30 - it's been 6 months...

30 before 30

1-Graduate from University (DONE)
2-Find a Job (DONE)
3-Paint a 'hangable' picture
4-Get Married (DONE)
5-Get Driver's Lic. (DONE)
6-Buy a house (DONE)
7-Pay off House
8-Have Kids
9-Pay off Student Loans
10-Read 'War and Peace'
11-Attend a ballet or opera
12-Knit a Blanket
13-Watch a Cirque performance
14-Get up and go on a Spontanious Road trip
15-Learn to Sew
16-Write a Collection of Poems (In process)
17-Have a Proper dinner party - fancy napkins and all
18-Travel over seas
19-Plant a garden (herb or veggie)
20-Hit my ideal weight, and stay there for a while
21-Take a personal vaction and Paint everyday, all day
22-Do Photography as more than a hobbie(DONE)
23-Spend a week on my Grandfather's farm, finding out my roots
24-Buy a new (to me) car (DONE)
25-Collect and organize a Photo Archive of my Family
26-Spend an Entire Day at a Spa
27-Buy something from a TV infomercial. (DONE)
28-Sell, donate, or get rid of all the stuff I have separated into piles to "sell," "donate," or "get rid of."
29-Go yardsale-ing and buy something incredibly hideous and display it in our Spare room Proudly!
30-Be a better Daughter, Sister, Wife, mother(hopefully),in-law, friend, Co-Worker.



3 more down!!! - now on to the paitning a hangable picture... or sorting my things in to three piles..

Rant....

Holding on to someone because you don’t want them to move forward, to grow, holding on because you want to remain the same, you don’t want to have to do anything… holding on because you are trying to keep someone in the same life as you, are all selfish, all about them not leaving you… And that is not a relationship! That is not love.

Love is a feeling and not what makes a relationship. Being with someone should better the other, should cause positive growth, as a couple as an individual. How does someone get to the pint in a relationship that they don’t care about the future of it, or the one they are with? I don’t understand how people can say I Love you, and then scream at each other, manipulate each other, and hurt each other. How is that love? How does saying I love you fix that? Isn’t love making EVERY choice about the other person? About how it effects and will affect the other person? And shouldn’t the end result be growth and happiness… not tolerance and lost dreams?

Two people can be together; doing nothing that betters the other. They can be in control of their little lives, and not each other… They try to hold on each other and instead of helping they drag each other down. They are moving in circles, saying the same old things, having the same old fights, just being there… Living in a constant state of frozen motion.

Relationships do not stay stagnate, they grow or they die. There is no in between. No one stays the same when they are with another human being people are growing, you can grow for the better or not. You become used to the style of life you lead. There is a point when sitting on the couch for days is normal… you lose drive and energy. Life becomes what you can get out of doing, not about what you can achieve. Life is to be lived not viewed. There is an epidemic in the world of laziness, a lack of self-motivation, and a damaging wrongfully given sense of entitlement. “I don’t have to go get a job or do my job well because I’m me, I don’t really need to do that, I have the right to do what I want, when I want, how I want.”

ARGH – I hate it, I hate the people think that being unproductive member of society is the easy way to live… I hate it… I know that I shouldn’t – but it’s draining, economically, socially, and mentally. I don’t like to get in that habit – I know that I’d love to sit around my house have someone else stress about the bills, the meals, of life… but then I’d miss out on so much.


Ahh that is my rant, I’m done now…

Another Day, Another Dollar...

Well not for me.
I'm taking my last Sick day today.
But I'm not sick (I'm actually recovering nicely!)

I am going to see my specialist... We are going to talk options and ways that David and I can get preggers... well more me than David. I am praying that he'll say we are a perfect case for Clomid (a drug that works really well for women with PCOD - That's me). I want him to say we can start the treatment/meds right away... I really want things to work out.

But I'm not in control, but I get this feeling, like it's supposed to be. You know. If I don't believe it - I feel like I think God isn't big enough... but i know he is, so why wouldn't i believe He can work a mini miracle in me, for David.

So I'm ready and willing to accept anything the doctor might say, I'm believing that God will get me through any Bad News, and I'm praying that there won't be any. I am psyching myself up for today... and I hope that it will be positive news, things we can work with.

So if you are the prayin' kind... do me a favor ----- Pray Big!

Whispers of my Heart...

I've been bombarded with my thoughts, and although this may seem quite normal, since we are constantly connected to our minds – unless you’re crazy, and I’m not there, yet… - it’s the constant state of hurt, disappointment, and fear that I’m feeling. I was recovering from a moment of stress, and falling into another…

I was invited to a time of fellowship, and prayer… well more talk then prayer. I drove my dear friend Natasha home, and wow… she asked about me and everything spilled out. All the thoughts, the hurt, the anger, the lost feeling, the hopelessness… just poured. (Side note – it’s hard to drive and cry) We stopped in her Driveway and she prayed, for me, for life, for us… it was a time of lifting.



Three things really hit home – my heart was lifted up

I am walking by faith, not sight and even though waves may come… we are walking… We have the maker’s hand… and we are walking, not sinking, not falling, not dying…

There are obstacles, but that does not mean there is judgment, there isn’t punishment… there can be obstacles, and they are just that, obstacles…

I need to prioritize my life a little more… I need to focus on {God and Me} {David and Me} {My close friends (chosen family) and Me}




So I’m in the right head space again, and my heart is following… and I think I’m actually going to get through this… with help.Thanks Tash!

Argh

I woke up this morning dreading the day, I was nervous and scared.. what If I got news I didn’t want to hear… or worse couldn’t handle… How would I get through the day, the week…

I prayed continuously, that I would be able to accept what ever information I was told, I worked out every possible situation from tears and convulsing heaves, to joyful screams of Amen, and none of it was what I went through…

In fact I didn’t even get a chance for any of it. I spent 2 hours staring at a wall... And at 12:55 I had to reschedule… I needed to get back to work. If I had known that it was going to need to be an all day appointment – I would have worked that out, but I was told an hour, so I booked off an hour and a half, just in case… so after one hour of waiting – I was called into the nurses room and asked personal medical history, and then sent back out to wait… It was almost painful.

At 12:55 I had to leave, I almost cried, I had waited for this, and nothing. A complete waste of time.

I know most of you are thinking – big whoop, it was just a doctors appointment... ... ... ..

Only it’s a HUGE deal, now because I couldn't get in to see my Dr. I might have to get back on the pills I’m trying desperately to avoid, I might have to rearrange my habits, and put on hold family plans… which may not seem so bad except the longer I wait to try for a family the higher my chances of miscarriage, late pregnancy miscarriage, and even sterility.. So you see.. it is a big deal, a very big deal.. and not just for me – for David – all of this is my fault –and now that I’ve been delayed in this area, I feel like I’m taking a chance from David….

so that was my day… and I wish it would end… Tomorrow can’t come sooner.

So I thoguht I'd post a poem... new/old

I forgot what it was like
to try so hard
and not be noticed...

I forgot what it was like
to be loved
at every moment...

I forgot what it was like
to speak my mind
when my heart would cry...

I forgot what it was like
to sit alone
and not like who I was with...

I forgot what it was like
to lose a little more of myself
knowing there was no getting it back...

I forgot what it was like
to see something so close
and hate how far it was...

I forgot what it was like
to feel pretty
If I ever really believed it...

I have forgetten
and remembering is harder
harder than I remember...

The Last Days ...

Summer is coming to a close, but i'm enjoying my last days.

i'm reading a book -Celebration of Disciplines, by Willard.

it's a good book - and as i read, i'll post my thoughts..

really there isn't a reason for this post, i just wanted to post.

The summer is ending much quicker than I would like...

There is a lot of little things going on, and I love it - because I feel like I'm doing things with my time -even though I haven't really finished the little projects I wanted to.

I attended my first ever Family funeral. Grampie Died on a Tuesday, it was a nice Tuesday, and he died peacefully. It was very interesting, I don't know hat I really had a big cry over the whole thing, but i do know that I felt bad, but not sad... you know... maybe not - it's weird... Meh. I know because he was Saved, I'll see him again, but i still miss him.

on a happier note - David and I finished our dinning room, it's green - much greener than i intended but i think it'll be OK - the downstairs is very - interesting.. I'm not sure how to bring the three rooms together better - but it'll all work out - I'm on a mission.

School is coming up and I'm getting my lessons ready -but i wish i had the teachers book - so i could really get started... it's a good time... though - I'm taking my time.

Time - I wish I had more time for the thing s I really like to do - for the passions I have - Painting - I'm so excited about thing that I can take from my head and put on canvas... I really feel better after I paint, i feel more me...

It's been far to long...

Well hello all - those of you who still blog, still check blogs... still care about the blogging world (i know it's been almost a month - who am I to talk...)

I mean don't get me wrong I love FACEBOOK - or Crack book as it has been called, but really there is still a place to share - it's blogs.. and I miss them!!


ok so I'm still writing about NFLD... i'll try to condense it... but i just don't know if that woudl do it justice.

umm I went Camping with my Girls from ABU - and I miss them so much -it was more of a tease...

It was good - we have started on the dinning room - the wall paper o' sunflowers is off - working on patchingit up and priming... then on to painting.

My Grampie McCurdy isn't doing o well - he fell and hit his head - he's bleeding into his brain - and they can't give him an IV (one bad kidney left) and he can't eat - so it's not looking so great - but we all (the fam) knew that this day would come (he's been pretty sick for a while now) and the good news is he is comfortable, and in no pain... and He;s saved so i'll see him again in Heaven.. good times to come!

Well that is a quick glimpse into why i've been a little distracted...

updates

Still working on the NFLD update for now - just an updated 30 before 30 list...

30 before 30
1-Graduate from University (DONE)
2-Find a Job (DONE)
3-Paint a 'hangable' picture
4-Get Married (DONE)
5-Get Driver's Lic. (DONE)
6-Buy a house (DONE)
7-Pay off House
8-Have Kids
9-Pay off Student Loans
10-Read 'War and Peace'
11-Attend a ballet or Opera-one where you have to dress up, the real life kind
12-Knit a Blanket
13-Watch a Cirque performance
14-Get up and go on a Spontanious Road trip
15-Learn to Sew
16-Write a Collection of Poems
17-Have a Proper dinner party - fancy napkins and all
18-Travel over seas
19-Plant a garden (herb or veggie)
20-Hit my ideal weight, and stay there for a while
21-Take a personal vaction and Paint everyday, all day
22-Do Photography as more than a hobbie (Done, Wedding photgrapherat your service)
23-Spend a week on my Grandfather's farm, finding out my roots
24-Buy a new (to me) car (Done)
25-Collect and organize a Photo Archive of my Family
26-Spend an Entire Day at a Spa
27-Buy something from a TV infomercial.
28-Sell, donate, or get rid of all the stuff I have separated into piles to "sell," "donate," or "get rid of."
29-Go yardsale-ing and buy something incredibly hideous and display it in our Spare room Proudly!
30-Be a better Daughter, Sister, Wife, mother(hopefully),in-law, friend, Co-Worker.

The Last Days ...

Today was my Last teaching day for the year.

and IF (hopefully WHEN) it rains tomorrow morning - I am FREE


well I have to clean up the class room - but that's easy!!

Woot

And the Vacation begins...Almost

Well it's in the Air, the smell, the smell of Freedom.

Everyone is so antsy, unable to focus, everyone is tired, and just wants to be outside. To be out in the fresh air, having fun, to just not be in school... and that's just the teachers.

the kids are WAY WORSER (aha)


Oh I saw Ev'y - had a meal - hugged and left- sorta how our relationship works these days...

What else... what else... oh yeah

CAMPING is SO SOON!

Matt and Chera are getting married tomorrow - WOOT WOOT - and then we have to rush to the valley for a 50th anniversay, Gramma and Grammpa Skafte are re newing there vows, also Woot.

Hello? Is anyone out there?

It's been a very busy time...

It has been a month since the Blender Party in Moncton and I miss everyone so much -It was a great time - I go to see so many old friends, it has been a very long time,and I hope it will be sooner than later when we can all get together again...

We got our new car (such a gift from God)! It's a corolla again, 2003 and it's pretty. I can't wait to go on a road trip!

I got some fish!! Rick stopped by a week or so ago, and brought 2 betta's for me - I know have class pets. the children named them Pharaoh and Moses... sigh, they are such dear little darlings. I call the gurgle and gargle, but don't tell the kids.

Speaking of Kids - Nope not preggers yet.

Brandy and Ryan are moving so the last weekend in May we are going up to see them and help with the moving/ packing etc. I'm trying to convince David we should do a road trip to the island. it'll be good to hang out with friends - and see Brans new place - Plus everyone else is doing it!!!!

I've had a few things on my plate, youth group is winding down, school is coming to an end, family emergencies are popping up everywhere, planning the summer vacations, camping and get togethers.

I'm right now most focused on what God wants in my life, where He wants me to go - What does he want me to do? I'm not sure where he is leading me.

lately I've had a heart string pulled in the area of Prayer - I'm not sure I'd call myself a prayer warrior, but it's something - I went to the church to see about maybe starting a prayer time before and during the Sunday service... I'm excited for what God is going to do.

I'm still figuring things out...

"it'll be ok in the end - if it's not ok it's not the end"
*RuthGilmore*

So busy - I'll update for 3 weeks later..

David and I are babysitting - 5 - kids, and its an over nighter kind of thing - sorta busy -will update about moncton and more.. Ciao