My Knee... not a flashback to ABU...

well today was a CRAPPY crappy day.

last night int he dark I smoked my knee on a little end table in our spare room - and it hurt like a bad word. Well I sucked it up -hobbled to bed and tried to rest.

see the thing is I don't sleep with my legs straight so every time I went to curl up all cozy I woke up in pain crying. this is not good , and in no way helps one get a good night's rest. I awoke and still could not bend the leg... so I went to the hospital this afternoon. Four hours later I've got Tendon damage and Tissue Damage.

this is good news - I'm a cry baby and I didn't brake anything - the flip side of the coin - is that it is more painful to heal from - so Driving hurts and stairs hurt (more than usual).

so tonight I'm not in a mood to do anything... sorry the post isn't riveting....

Belly Dancing

I Love it...

I love how I feel pretty... only not tonight - I was not in the mood to dance, and my body didn't want to cooperate with my brain - so tonight was a night of clumsy movement...

I still love it. it's a great work out - I feel like I'm actually good at something. I have a few talents, but this one I really like... accounting I was great at - but I don't like it so much.

Next week we'll try a new Date and Time - I think I'll like that.

Today is a day to begin...

So I feel like crap.

I know, eloquent or what?

but it's true - I feel fat, dumb and lazy... and I'm in a lot of pain these days. I'm not sure if it's cause of the weather change or just how sore a human can be, or how much pain you can be in before you need / seek medical help.

So I'm going to trying something.... it's never been done, I hope that I can start a revolution... I'm going to watch what I eat and try to work out more (and by more I mean work out any amount now, because even a little is more than never).

I'm tempted to try this 'system'. I say system like 'system' because it's really just calorie counting and portion control... nothing new... 400 Fix... you have 4 'meals' a day that are no more than 400 Calories. This sounded easy --- but in fact, it is not.

Why is that not easy, you ask. Why you say? Well cause I like things like Mars bars - which for your information are more than 200 calories... this means if I want a Chocolate bar that's great but I'd have to have it with grapefruit and celery and call it a meal... I don't think I can wrap my head around that...

But I'm going to try, I'm going to try to cut the calories...

Normally you could just, you know, work out more - but that brings me back to the sore and pain part... I know that losing weight would be good for me and my body in a whole lot of ways, but until I knock off a few pounds, my knees won't take a liking to Walking... and I like my knees, and would like to keep them till I'm at least 60... sigh....

So here goes... I think I'll try to update weekly - on how well I'm doing - or more likely - not doing... but I'll try. I'll try to remember to post, say, Tuesdays about how well this goes... and I'll be honest - which I'm good at - so this is it...

Today - I weigh in at 222 pounds... now before you think - what a heffer - please remember I'm 6 feet tall. and of large bone structure... I'm not trying to sugar coat it - I've got a little chub all over - and as the kindergarten children I taught used to say when giving a hug, "I like your tummy pillow Mrs Skafte.... "

I've eaten today - 2 very fattening squares - I made myself - and they have a TON of calories - but I don't' know how much actually... and a large bowl of whole wheat spaghetti... and water to drink...

Ok, alright all ready... and 1 heaping spoonful of Betty Crocker Icing... but I couldn't help it...

Yes Icing.

Here's hoping tomorrow will be more successful!

The Blind Side

Fun, Cute, Family Friendly.
Watch It!!

Words I needed to be reminded of...

Psalm 31
1 In you, O LORD, I have taken refuge; let me never be put to shame; deliver me in your righteousness. 2 Turn your ear to me, come quickly to my rescue; be my rock of refuge, a strong fortress to save me. 3 Since you are my rock and my fortress; for the sake of your name lead and guide me. 4 Free me from the trap that is set for me, for you are my refuge. 5 Into your hands I commit my spirit; redeem me, O LORD, the God of truth. 6 I hate those who cling to worthless idols; I trust in the LORD. 7 I will be glad and rejoice in your love, for you saw my affliction and knew the anguish of my soul. 8 You have not handed me over to the enemy but have set my feet in a spacious place. 9 Be merciful to me, O LORD, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and my body with grief. 10 My life is consumed by anguish and my years by groaning; my strength fails because of my affliction, and my bones grow weak. 11 Because of all my enemies, I am the utter contempt of my neighbors; I am a dread to my friends—those who see me on the street flee from me. 12 I am forgotten by them as though I were dead; I have become like broken pottery. 13 For I hear the slander of many; there is terror on every side; they conspire against me and plot to take my life. 14 But I trust in you, O LORD; I say, "You are my God." 15 My times are in your hands; deliver me from my enemies and from those who pursue me. 16 Let your face shine on your servant; save me in your unfailing love. 17 Let me not be put to shame, O LORD, for I have cried out to you; but let the wicked be put to shame and lie silent in the grave. 18 Let their lying lips be silenced, for with pride and contempt they speak arrogantly against the righteous. 19 How great is your goodness, which you have stored up for those who fear you, which you bestow in the sight of men on those who take refuge in you. 20 In the shelter of your presence you hide them from the intrigues of men; in your dwelling you keep them safe from accusing tongues. 21 Praise be to the LORD, for he showed his wonderful love to me when I was in a besieged city. 22 In my alarm I said, "I am cut off from your sight!" Yet you heard my cry for mercy when I called to you for help. 23 Love the LORD, all his saints! The LORD preserves the faithful, but the proud he pays back in full. 24 Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the LORD.


See here's the thing... I feel like most of the chapter is focused at me - that I'm the one who is my own enemy, that I am the one with lying lips... I'm the one in need of refuge and safety, but from myself....

I am trying to be the God in my life, and I'm failing at it.

I want to take this pain this grief and cast it off, and out of my heart, but I'm hurting... and my dear friend Shauna reminded me tonight..."your hurts, they hurt Him too. But He's not forgotten one prayer you've prayed or one tear you've cried..."

He's bigger then my grieving, bigger than the loss I'm feeling, bigger than the brokenness.. and what' great is that even though I'm in a valley - He's still God. He still loves me -and even though I can't find words to talk to other people about this I can talk to him...

Tomorrow... it's a new moon...

So, I'm here and I'm almost 30... but I can't wait for New Moon - I like the books, and I liked the Twilight... so it's nice to have a piece of fiction I can just "Veg out" too...

I know it's got some issues, which I won't get into right now... and I know it's meant for preteens, and I understand that some people don't like the Vamp thing - but to me fiction is fiction.....

Anyways...

I'm just saying I can't wait to spend the day with the Girls... and then spend the night with some other girls... it's going to be a Silly wonderful day...

The Last Month.. the First Month

This is the last month. We are officially on our last month of medically assisted fertility... We've been trying for two years (give or take) with Serophene. And as Dr Clague put it, "There isn't anything more he can do for us". So this is it - for now, this is where we put down the pills and relax. I hope. I'm excited for relaxing.

The last month for worry, for daily taking of temperatures, and counting days. The last month for hoping and waiting and being disappointed. There is so much effort in doing everything 'just' right... following all the doctors orders, and keeping charts.... all the while trying to relax, to stay calm... sigh...

The last month to try to explain why I'm trying so hard, and how I feel I have to do everything in my power to do what I think God wants for us... I know this sounds weird (and a bit like God helps those who help themselves), but really I feel like I should be doing what I can... not just sitting around and expecting this to happen. There is so much that I have invested, my time, body, heart... and this is it, I have fulfilled my end of the Deal. I can let go and let God... (not that I was not letting Him in the first place).

The first month where I can take a step back, I can take a moment and breathe, become just a woman, a wife, a girl at heart... not an incubator, not a baby factory, and not something broken... huh? Broken, maybe I'm more excited to 'stop' trying because I can't be broken if we're not trying... I can't be at fault if there isn't something to be at fault about. hmm deeper than I thought this would be. I'm glad I can't not be pregnant, I'm glad its not on my shoulders anymore, it's not my mistakes, or problems, of genetics.... it's done and I can just breath, take a step back and Just Breathe.

The first month I can go back to how it was when I was first married, there would be the same chance of babies then, and now... the same diagnosis, the same out look, the same vision, and the same beliefs. Just less stress.

The first month to be free from expectations, from the same old questions, the first month of a crisp fresh breeze... a season of rest, on all parts... for reconnecting to my God, my husband, Myself.

with nothing to think about

Today I woke up a little hazy, and wanted to spend my day on the little things I want to get finished - it's after lunch - and I haven't gotten to any of the things on my To-Do list... sigh...